How do we ever really know who we are? Why do we do the things we do? Why do we make the decisions we make? As children, we are raised in an environment where choices are made for us, and our specific circumstances and surroundings often determine how our lives are lived. As we grow older, we gain more independence and freedom. We are given more responsibility; we have more say in different matters. And at a certain age, we leave our homes, where we are finally on our own, and we determine how we will live. Yet there is always a question as to how we come to those decisions.

The lifelong process of figuring out who we are and who we want to be is what this week’s Torah portion, Lech Lecha, is all about.

I was 18 when I left my parents’ home for the first time to be on my own. While there were many unknowns in my mind, I did know I was going 130 miles from home to the University of Illinois. I understood my goals.  I knew I was going to study in a liberal arts premed program with the goal of ultimately to become a physician. It was still a scary and lonely to be away from my parents’ home without their daily input and supervision. After medical school, Helen and I moved from Chicago to Dallas.  It was now the time for us to try to grow up and become more independent and self-sufficient, away from the constant watchful eyes and suggestions from our parents.

In the Torah portion, God speaks for the first time to Abraham.  The parshah begins with Lech lecha,” go for yourself, from your land, from the place where you were born and from your father’s house to the land that I will show you”.  According to the Zohar, the words lech lecha do not just mean” go for yourself,” but simultaneously mean” go to yourself.” This teaches us that in order to really know ourselves, we must temporarily distance ourselves from the influences of those around us. We need to stop worrying about what the world wants from us, and start looking within, to our soul, to know what we want from ourselves.

Abraham was told to leave everything he knows – his family, his birthplace, his home – and go” to a place he does not know”.  Abraham understood the limitations of the old and the possibilities of the new. He was 75 when he was asked to start his life over again by leaving his homeland. Certainly, this was a difficult thing to do – it’s never easy to leave one’s loved ones or the land one has grown attached to. But Abraham’s success in his new mission depended on his ability to reinvent himself, and to realize the potential he had as the pivotal individual in the history of monotheism. Rather than focus on the frightening and unknown, he was able to imagine the possibilities of a new situation. While what’s new can be frightening, it can also be invigorating.

Banking legend J. P. Morgan once said,” the first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you’re not going to stay where you are.”

Understanding the value of any endeavor is one of the beginning steps to knowing more about yourself.

Part of any mission which any one of us hopes to accomplish is to take a step back, look at oneself, and figure out what each of us needs to do to become the person we need to be to fulfill our purpose in life.

But new beginnings are hard: a new school, a new job, the start of parenthood. Before one goes out on a journey, the journey is mysterious. We don’t know what to expect. It can be frightening to leave the familiar and go forward to the unknown.

Leaving home is not always easy for you or your parents. Homesickness, loneliness, stress, and anxiety are all common feelings that may come up during your transition to independence. Even the happiest and most confident young people can struggle. Taking time to plan your move can help reduce anxiety and help you feel more positive and confident about starting this new chapter in your life.

Living without your parents will help you become your own person. Getting a healthy distance from your parents gives you space to decide what you believe in. You will have the opportunity to become the mature and fully formed adult you are meant to be.

Now, it may feel like you must face every problem by yourself. No matter how old we get, dealing with issues on our own is hard. Living without your parents comes with incredible freedom, but also comes with responsibility and a good measure of loneliness.

Lech lecha. Go for yourself, for your own sake. Not for the sake of the community, not for the sake of others. Go for you, for your well-being. Parents, perhaps, understand this notion best. When making decisions regarding their children, they don’t make decisions about what is best for the community. Rather, they make decisions about what is best for their children.

We may never be able to pinpoint the fine line between parenting our children toward independence or compliance. We strive to stimulate their curiosity and autonomy, their ability to think freely and critically at the world around them, while never relinquishing our desire to instill within them our deeply held values, behaviors, and ideology. But their lech lecha moment is not ours to prescribe or map out. Just as we had to become the conceptual architect of our adult life, so must they.

Parenthood is going toward and leaving behind. We draw close as we raise children, nurture, and dream, worry and wonder, hope and pray, until the day comes when they necessarily go off on their own, leaving us behind. It is the way of the world. It is the burden of being parents.

So, we see in Lech lecha that Abraham embarks on his own road to self-actualization.  His journey toward truth, toward a growing faith, requires him to step out of his father’s shadow, step away from the psychological, cultural, and physical boundaries of his birthplace, and blaze a new trail ahead.

And it was there – far from his natural environment and comfort zones – that Abraham accomplished his divine mission. He spread the truth of the one God to a pagan world, and, in the process, his own name and reputation were established for eternity. It was only after leaving home that Abraham became the founding father of the Jewish people. In finding himself, Abraham found what we are all looking for:  a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning that is internally motivated.

Recently, we have heard about Simone Biles and her mental health struggles at the recent Olympics. In a recent Time magazine essay, it was written: “Simone is a shining example of what success looks like when you let go of what the world thinks and gather your strength from yourself…from your soul.” May you all gather strength from your souls and be true to yourselves.

In last week’s parashah we read the first chapter of the Shema. This week, we read the second chapter. There are many similarities between the two chapters. In fact, certain sentences are virtually identical. So why would the Torah, usually so cryptic, be so repetitious? If one examines the text closely, a significant distinction between the two chapters becomes immediately discernible. The first chapter is in the singular and the second is in the plural. Teach Torah to your son in the first, and to your children and the second.

Rashi explains that the first section is an instruction to the individual, while the second is an instruction to the community.

But why the need for both? The answer is that God speaks to the individual but God also speaks to the community. He addresses the Jew, and, also, the Jewish people. The first paragraph of the Shema teaches us that every individual is important, even critical, and God addresses every individual personally. The second paragraph reminds us that there is also a sum of all the parts; that together, individuals make up a community. And communities, too, are very important. Thus, from the very same event, the Torah teaches us this paradoxical lesson: on the one hand, the individual human being is king; while on the other, humanity reigns. So, we need both sections of the Shema. In the Torah, both are paramount, the individual and the community.

Another difference between the first and second section of the Shema is that the first simply instructs the Jew to pursue his or her relationship with God, without promising reward or threatening punishment. The second section, while instructing us to do the very same things as the first, informs us of the benefits of doing so and warns us of the consequences of transgression. It also tells us that all this is equally applicable, even in exile.

The Shema is the only prayer in our liturgy that begins with the word Shema. The prayer is so important that God wants us to make sure that we are paying attention. Before it begins, he tells us to ignore every distraction and to listen. We cover our eyes to block out any interference.

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks explains that Shema is one of the keywords of the book of Devarim, where it appears no less than 92 times. It is, in fact, one of the keywords of Judaism as a whole. What’s more is that it is untranslatable. It means many things: to hear, to listen, to pay attention, to internalize and to respond. It is the closest that biblical Hebrew comes to a verb that means “to obey.”

But Shema also means to understand. God wants us to understand the laws he has commanded us. He wants us to reflect on why this law, not that. He wants us to listen, reflect, seek to understand, to internalize and to respond. He wants us to become a listening people. That is why the supreme religious act is Shema. When God speaks, we listen. When he commands, we try to obey.

Ancient Greece was a visual culture, a culture of art, architecture, theater and spectacle. Judaism, as Freud pointed out in “Moses and Monotheism”, is a non-visual culture. We worship a God who cannot be seen and making sacred images is absolutely forbidden. In Judaism, we do not see God; we hear God. Knowing is a form of listening. God wants us to listen, not just with our ears but with the deepest resources of our minds.

Obviously, there are differences between seeing and hearing—sight gives the mind the information all at once, conveying a scene, with its thousands if not millions of details, as a single imprint on the retina. The eye sees all simultaneously. The mind then proceeds to process all this information, drawing from the all-embracing image imparted by the eye. Our faculty of hearing functions in the very opposite manner: we hear but one sound at a time. We cannot grasp the entire idea at once: we can hear it only sentence by sentence, word by word, syllable by syllable. Each of these particulars is virtually meaningless on its own; we must re-create the idea or score in our minds, piecing it together bit by bit.

Rabbi Jacob Leiner said:” From a human perspective it seems as if seeing is a more precise form of knowledge that hearing. In fact, however, hearing has a greater power than seeing. Sight discloses the external aspects of things, but hearing reveals their inwardness.

The author Taylor Caldwell once wrote,” one of the most terrible aspects of the world today is this: no one listens to anyone. If you are bewildered or frightened or lost or bereaved or alone, no one really listens. Nobody has the time to listen to anyone. Even those who love you the most – your parents, your children have no time.”

The art of listening is crucial to relationships because it means to actually be attentive to another, to be present to the needs of another person.
Perhaps this is why the Shema is such an important prayer. It calls out to us, almost as if it is shouting to us, and demands that we listen and take notice of others. One of the greatest gifts we can give someone is to listen to them. Listening can be intensely therapeutic. The very act of listening is a form of respect.

We know when God asked Moses to become the leader of the Israelites, Moses replied,” I am not a man of words, not yesterday, not the day before, not from the first time you spoke to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” Why would God choose a man to lead the Jewish people who found it hard to speak? Perhaps because one who cannot speak learns how to listen. An effective leader is one who knows how to listen.

In Stephen Covey’s book,” The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”, habit number six is:” Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Covey says: “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” If we fall into the all-too-common trap of tuning out while we formulate our own response, we will never fully be with the person sitting in front of us and we will have little chance of fully understanding them and helping them feel heard and valued. We will not have the information we need to effectively lead those in our teams and help them maximize their potential.

We are all guilty of not listening at one point or another in our lives. We tune out others while we are watching the TV or trying to concentrate on something we are reading. Nowadays, we try hard to multitask between e mails and texting, but inevitably that means were not always listening to someone who is trying to talk with us.

Real listening means the ability to focus entirely on others and their issues, with an open heart and mind. Listening lies at the very heart of relationships. It means that we are open to another person, that we respect him or her, that their perceptions and feelings matter to us. We give them permission to be honest, even if this means making ourselves vulnerable in so doing. It does not necessarily mean agreeing with them, but it does mean caring. It gives us the opportunity to hear things from their vantage point, to understand how they see life. Yet, how often do we neglect to listen. How often do respond to our children, our spouses or those important to us with auto responses, without ever really hearing.

In summary, the second paragraph of the Shema begins by emphasizing the importance of these two concepts: hearing and listening. The word Shema is demonstrative of our partnership with God. It functions to illustrate that in a relationship, even with God, we not only hear God, but we wish to be heard as well.

Crowds are moved by great speakers, but lives are changed by great listeners. Stop, focus, and really listen. You might be surprised of a whole new awareness that opens up before you.

Everyone is born with a powerful weapon which can be used both for good and evil. This weapon is your tongue. Your tongue is used to create thousands of words every day, and each word has the power to harm or to heal, to hurt or to help. In this week’s Torah portion, we learn about the power of words. The ancient sages believed that leprosy was a punishment for slander and spreading malicious gossip. By gossiping, you hurt someone’s reputation and make them appear poorly in public. In return, you are punished with a skin disease that causes you to appear poorly before others.

The affliction of tzaraat, which was incorrectly translated as leprosy, was a punishment for transgressions of speaking lashon hara, which translated literally means the evil tongue or evil speech and includes slander, gossip, rumors and other things.  The sages teach that gossip is like leprosy because it is highly contagious. One infected person can spread a malicious rumor to many others.The person who does the evil speaking which leads to the punishment of tzaraat is the Metzorah.

The Torah views the appearance of the white spots as a signal for an individual who suffers from tzaraat to examine his or her deeds and repent.

The entire phenomenon of tzaraat was God’s way of making the transgression public and stigmatized.

Both the onset and termination of the state of tzaraat are affected by the proclamation of a Kohen. The Kohen was both the religious and the medical authority. Only the Kohanim were able to declare someone ritually impure. It is easy to understand why: if neighbors were allowed to declare each other impure, there could be all kinds of panic and nasty accusations, and people might use this as a weapon for personal gain or revenge. It is hard to be objective about someone’s problems if your life is bound up in theirs.

If a person was declared a leper by the priests, the public health needs of the community were made paramount, and the person was placed outside the community until fully healed. This may be one of the first examples of social distancing. The person was considered ritually impure and in danger of contaminating the camp both physically and spiritually.

The Kohen also had the job to reintegrate the person into the community as soon as possible.

To quote the Orchot Tzadikim:  ” Before you speak, you are the master of your words. After you speak, your words master you.”

The sages go to remarkable lengths to emphasize the seriousness of lashon hara. It is, they say, as bad as all three cardinal sins together-idol worship, bloodshed, and illicit sexual relations. It kills three people: the one who speaks it, the one of whom it is spoken, and the one who receives it. Why are your words treated with such seriousness in Judaism?

What made Judaism different from other religions is that it is a religion of holy words. God communicated to the Israelites through words. In Judaism, language itself is holy. That is why lashon hara, the use of language to harm, is not merely a minor offense. It involves taking something that is holy and using it for purposes that are unholy. It is a kind desecration.

Speaking negatively about others inevitably causes friendships to break apart and people to distance themselves from each other.

Gossiping is evil and has no defense. You could be saying the unvarnished, absolute truth, but it is still a sin. The metzorah is sent to solitary confinement not just wait for his tzaraat to cure, but to reflect on the lack of judgment that caused the sickness in the first place.

The process that the metzorah must go through is intended to demonstrate the destructiveness of his sin and teach him how to improve himself in the future so that he avoids sinning such a way again.

I think we can see that the Torah disagrees with the last part of the old saying that ” sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never harm me.”

Speaking and thinking ill of another person, construing their actions in the worst possible way, gossiping and spreading rumors which harm the reputation of another person-these activities are so widespread among our contemporaries that they no longer attract notice at all. Those practices provoke a cynical disregard of human decency; they cultivate our suspicions of each other and our assumption that others are speaking ill of us behind our backs just as we are of them.

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks has written about the entire issue of speech and its impact on people, which has become massively amplified by the spread of smart phones and social media and their impact, especially on young people and on the entire tone of the public conversation. Online abuse is a plague of our age. Just last week I saw the following headline:” NY teen dies by suicide after cyberbully used pictures to blackmail him.” It has happened because of the ease and impersonal nature of communication. It gives rise to what has been called the disinhibition effect: people feel freer to be cruel and crude online than they would be in a face-to-face situation.  When you are not face-to-face with another person it is easier to allow all the meanness within you to leak out, with sometimes devastating effects. The number of teenage suicides and attempted suicides has doubled in the past 10 years, and most attribute the rise to the effect of social media. Rarely have the laws of lashon hara been more timely and more necessary.

Rabbi Sacks also said:” I believe we need the laws of lashon hara now more than almost ever before. Social media is awash with hate. The language of politics has become slanderous and vile.  We seem to have forgotten what the Torah portion is here to remind us: that evil speech is a plague. It destroys relationships, rides roughshod over people’s feelings, debases the public square, turns politics into a jousting match between competing egos and defiles all that is sacred about life. It need not be like this.”

Metzora contains a cautionary tale – a reminder of the power of language. Language allows us to communicate with others and share with them our fears, hopes, loves, feelings, and intentions. Speech allows us to convey our inwardness to others. It is the very heart of our relationships..

In an age of corrosive mistrust, a lack of confidence in our public leaders, and an alienating sense of loneliness and isolation, there is little hope of establishing real community until we learn to speak a new language – one of responsibility, kindness and compassion. Rather than speaking about other people, we can speak to them. By learning to channel and control our speech, we will transform our world from one of isolation and cynicism to one of community and trust.

In parshah Terumeh, the Israelites change from a people who always complained in order to get something to a people who had to work together to build the Mishkan. Here, God gave them something else entirely. It had nothing to do with physical needs and everything to do with psychological, moral, and spiritual needs. God gave them the opportunity to give.

As a result, our parshah deals with what could be called the first fundraising campaign in history. Moses initiated it in order to build the sanctuary in the wilderness as well as to acquire all the materials needed for the special utensils required for the sacred services

Convincing people to part with their hard-earned funds and possessions to support even a worthy institution is not easy. Imagine how much more difficult it would be to convince a group of people recently out of slavery to make contributions to build a house of worship for a God who was invisible to them.  Talk about a hard sell.

After Moses had given God’s instructions to the people and explained the opportunity that each had to make a contribution, he dismissed them. It is not until later, after the people had been dismissed, that the people began bringing their offerings for God. With all due respect to modern-day fundraisers, they would never think of dismissing a congregation until after they had made a commitment to give a particular sum. They would press the Israelites to make an on-the-spot commitment. They would have passed out pledge cards to sign, so that the enthusiasm of the moment was not lost.  But Moses dismissed the people, so they had time to themselves, apart from any outside pressure, to determine what they could and should contribute. This insured the fact that the gifts were, indeed, voluntarily donated, and not obtained under some kind of emotional or psychological duress or peer pressure. As a result, the gifts were given willfully and joyfully.

Giving for the Mishkan did not need to be mandatory because the motivation of the Israelites was extremely high. The tabernacle was the means for God to personally dwell among his people. This was a one-time need, for which the people had been amply enabled to contribute. This was an opportunity which would be of great personal benefit to the donor.

The gifts of the Israelites were abundantly given. While virtually everyone gave something for the Mishkan, each one gave in accordance with what he or she was able to give.  The text informs us that the gifts exceeded the need, so that Moses had to request that the people to stop giving.  That had to be first and probably last time people were asked to stop giving to a fund-raising campaign.

To help us appreciate the fact that the giving for the construction of the Mishkan required great sacrifice on the part of the Jews, the Torah uses the word Terumeh. Terumeh can be translated as a contribution, but it actually has a subtly different meaning for which there is no simple English equivalent. It means” something you lift up” by dedicating to a sacred cause. You lift it up, then it lifts you up. One of the best ways of elevating our spiritual heights is to give in gratitude for the fact that things have been given to us.  A sense of self-worth comes from knowing that we can give away something of value without feeling diminished.

There is an unusual expression in God’s words to Moses in our parshah: v’yikchu li terumeh-you shall take for me a contribution.  Why take? Surely, give would be the more appropriate word. But because in giving we are also receiving, the word take is also appropriate.

When we think of charity, we think of Tzadekah. But Tzedakah literally means righteousness in Hebrew. In the Bible, tzedakah is used to refer to justice, kindness, and ethical behavior. It is in the post-biblical Hebrew that tzedakah refers to charity, giving to those in need. The words justice and charity have different meanings in English. How is it that in Hebrew, one word, tzedakah, has been translated to mean both justice and charity? This translation is consistent with Jewish thought as Judaism considers charity to be an act of justice.

Most Jewish homes have had a blue and white tin box, the pushke, for the deposit of tzedakah coins for charity. Jewish children learn the responsibility is to care for other Jews in need. Though the methods are now more complex, the motivation for tzedakah has endured through the centuries: to sustain the Jewish people, to enhance Jewish life and to strengthen the Jewish community for today and the future.

In Hebrew, the word meaning” to give” is Natan. In Hebrew and in English, the word is a palindrome which is read the same forward and backward. So, when we think about philanthropy and the idea of “to give,” it is also about” to receive.”

Tzedakah has two aspects: one with the hand and one with the heart. Judaism teaches the belief that donors benefit from tzedakah as much or more than the recipients and the belief remains a common theme in Jewish tradition.

There is a strange provision of Jewish law that embodies the idea of tzedakah.  ” Even a poor person who is dependent on tzedakah is obligated to give tzedakah to another person.” On the face of it, this makes no sense at all. Why should a person who depends on charity be obligated to give charity? The principle of tzedakah is surely that one who has more than they need should give to one who has less. The truth is, however, that tzedakah is not only directed to someone’s physical needs but also their psychological needs.  The law is telling us something very profound. Giving confers dignity. Receiving does not.

To repeat, the truth is that in giving, we actually receive more than we give. The very fact that we have done good, that which is right and noble, gives us a sense of satisfaction. Someone said that the takers of the world might eat better. But the givers of the world sleep better. What we truly have in this world is that which we give away.

So, whenever you think you’re a big deal because you did something for good cause, remember that you are receiving much more than you are giving.

Today, it is important for all of us to continue to make free will offerings to institutions that unify Jewish people. Our Torah portion teaches us that the terumeh gift is an offering that comes from the deep recesses of the heart. May we all be lifted up; but, more importantly, may we lift up others.

After being sold into slavery by his brothers, Joseph certainly had cause to hold a grudge against them. Joseph must decide what path he should take in establishing a new relationship with his brothers, one of forgiveness and acceptance or one of vengeance and retribution. In all the years that had gone by without contact with his brothers, Joseph’s feeling of grievance and anger never changed. It was not until they talked to each other that there was a possibility of reconciliation. But even once they started talking, it still took years for them to come to a stable resolution. Time heals, but it takes time for the healing to occur.

Note what must happen for forgiveness to occur in this case. First, Joseph hides his identity to his brothers to make sure they were capable of remorse and atonement. He knows they understand they have done wrong because they acknowledged their guilt. Second, Joseph arranged a trial to test whether Judah is, indeed, a changed person. Judah demonstrated complete repentance and passed the test. These two elements tell us what has changed in the brothers so that they, the wrongdoers, can be forgiven.

When Joseph first reveals himself to his brothers, he says,” And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you”. This sounds like forgiveness, but the word “forgiveness” is not used. The brothers may have assumed that Joseph still intended to take revenge but not during the life of their father. That is what provokes the drama at the end of this week’s parashah.  After the death of Jacob, the brothers were worried that Jacob would not forgive them for what they had done. But there is also a change in Joseph. He has reframed his life and his relationship with God. Joseph responded to them, saying,” Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended me harm, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives”. This change is what allows the victim, Joseph, to forgive

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks notes that this is a crucial moment in the history of faith. It marks the birth of forgiveness, the first recorded moment in which one person forgives another for a wrong they have done. While Joseph does not use the word forgiveness, he makes clear that he dismisses all thoughts of revenge.

Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love or trust, can cause anger, sadness, and confusion.  You might want revenge.  Revenge is one way of restoring the social order, but it is a very costly and dangerous one because it can lead to a vicious circle of retaliation that has no natural stopping point.

There is a Chinese proverb,” If you’re going to pursue revenge, you’d better dig two graves”, which is saying your resentment will destroy you as well.

Instead, you should choose forgiveness.  Forgiveness is the release of resentment or anger. It is a conscious decision to be good to people who were not good to you.  Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. Forgiveness does not mean excusing the behavior of the other person. In fact, if his or her behavior can be excused then there is no real need for forgiveness. Forgiveness is necessary when the behavior is inexcusable, when the person involved really should not have acted in such a fashion.  We too often make the mistake of saying:” It’s okay; I know you didn’t mean it” or” it doesn’t matter; I realize you are under strain and I probably provoked you”.  Forgiveness begins where excuses leave off. One does not have to return to the same relationship or accept the same harmful behaviors from an offender. You can forgive someone and still know you can’t trust them.

Forgiveness is not dependent upon confession. Forgiveness is an action that I may choose, and which is not dependent upon the behavior of the other person.  Nor does forgiveness require an agreed version of the past. This is crucial because arguing over who said what and who replied in what fashion frequently postpones or destroys entirely the process of forgiveness.

Getting another person to change his or her actions, behavior or words is also not the point of forgiveness. Forgiveness is vitally important for the health of those who have been victimized. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life – by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to exert over your life.

Forgiveness is about goodness, by extending mercy to those who have harmed us, even if they don’t deserve it. Forgiveness is a process with many steps. Working out forgiveness can help us increase our own self-esteem and give us a sense of inner strength and safety. Forgiveness can heal us and allow us to move on in life with meaning and purpose as Joseph did. Studies have shown that forgiving others produce a strong psychological benefit for the one who forgives. It has been shown to decrease depression, anxiety, unhealthy anger, and symptoms of PTSD.

Most people have been hurt or betrayed by others. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger and bitterness – even vengeance. But if you do not practice forgiveness, you might be the one pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude, and joy.

Forgiving another person is one thing, but what happens when we can commit the offense ourselves? It is important to take responsibility for mistakes. Key to this process is owning up to one’s mistakes, understanding why they occurred, and helping rectify the situation. Reflect on why the event occurred and identify how to avoid a similar offense in the future. Then forgive yourself.

After you have been able to self-forgive, you will also need to engage in seeking forgiveness from others whom you have harmed and right the wrongs as best as you can. It is important to be prepared for the possibility that the other person may not be ready to forgive you and to practice patience and humility.

All of us suffer our own personal grudges and animosities in life. Each of us must decide how to respond to such challenge. Will I become bitter, or will I instead choose a more difficult route of forgiveness. Like Joseph, each one of us must seek out the appropriate words of kindness and appreciation for a shared destiny that will reconcile us with those we have injured and those who have injured us.

Nitzavim is Moses’ third and final discourse.  He pours his heart out to the Israelites one last time.  One senses the urgency of Moses’ message: “Hear me! This is life and death we are talking about. It is not just the natural cycle of being. What’s at stake is what it means to be alive – to live! What it means to be in a relationship with God. What it means to truly be a free people – a holy nation.  He ends with: “I have put before you life and death, blessing and curse; choose life so you and your offspring may live”.

These are as powerful as any words in the Torah.  What is meant by the words ” and you shall choose life?” Is this a commandment? A promise? A statement of fact? The Torah and Judaism have many interpretations.

When the Torah states that God puts life and death before us, our tradition is not telling us to decide whether to live or die but that every choice we make from birth to death matters. It is obvious that if one chooses life, then he or she will live, and if one chooses death, then he or she will die. But our physical life and death was not what God was referring to. He is not talking about the physical sense but rather the spiritual and emotional sense. Simply put, in context of the parashah, Moses is instructing the people to accept and follow the laws of God.

It is impossible to count the number of decisions we make each day. These choices range from how we treat our loved ones to how we spend our money; from whom we bring into our world, to how we choose our food and how we practice our religion. We constantly sort and analyze matters that vary from simple to complicated. We base our serious and careful decisions on knowledge and wisdom we gained through experience, education, or personal advice. But there is an underlying determination that is much more fundamental – the one that establishes a firm foundation that leads to sensible choices in everything we do. And, as important as it is, it is not always based on knowledge or wisdom that we can acquire on our own.

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks relates that scientists tell us that we are determined by our genes, that our fate is scripted in our DNA.  Therefore, some think that choice is an illusion of the conscious mind.  It is the fiction we tell ourselves.  Judaism says no.  Choice is like a muscle:  use it or lose it.  Jewish law is an ongoing training regime in willpower.  To be a Jew means not going with the flow, not doing what others do just because they are doing it.

When the Torah says,” choose life,” it means avoiding a dangerous lifestyle which promotes death rather than life. A second, less dramatic way, of choosing life is by not wasting time. The number of years a person is given is not under our control, but what we do with the moments God has given us, is. If we choose not to waste his precious moments, we have chosen life. To choose life means living life in its fullest meaning.  This is something that has become more challenging with Covid19 restrictions.

Rabbi Eliezer Davidovits has another interpretation.  He says that there are two ways to “choose life”.  The first way is the “I” way. If we want, we can choose to think of ourselves first. We can worry about our needs and desires and our wishes, and only later – much later sometimes – will we consider the needs, desires, and wishes of others. But there is another way to” choose life”.  This is the” you” way. Before we act, before we decide, before we speak, we can choose to think about how our actions, decisions, and words will affect others. We can think about how our behavior will affect future generations, including our own children and grandchildren. A real choice is, in fact, being offered. Do we live in a way that supports life in the broadest sense, or do we live in a way that serves only ourselves, only our narrow interests? Rabbi Davidovits says that the narrow way, this second choice, ultimately leads not to life but to death.

I believe that part of what it means to choose life is to not expect too much from people; to learn to accept people for who they are, to respond to them with understanding and compassion. Forgive them for what they are not and try to accept them for who they are.

Choosing life also means forgiving ourselves, especially for things were not responsible for. But what about the stuff we are responsible for? What about our failings, our weaknesses, our sins of various kinds? At some point, when we’ve done the best we can do, the only life affirming responses we can have is to have compassion on ourselves and to recognize we are humans and accept our weaknesses. Ultimately, choosing life also means learning to love ourselves in spite of our failings. And this is not easy.

Humans require an objective which goes beyond existence. As Victor Frankel, noted psychologist and philosopher, discovered at the concentration camps, the most important drive within humans is not the will for pleasure or even the will for power, but the will for meaning. Those who had higher meaning, who were involved in helping others survive, and those who were calculating in their heads different mathematical or philosophical problems or preserving and copying segments from the prayer book or the Bible from memory stood a better chance of surviving the horrendous living conditions of the concentration camps. Frankel said that it is this search for purpose beyond one’s own physical survival, this quest for self transcendence and reaching out for the infinite, is what comes forth from God’s mouth and what the Torah refers to as “life.”

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks has yet another interpretation of choosing life:

Choosing life means engaging with life, not taking refuge from it. It seeks, not so much happiness as joy: the joy of being with others and together with them making a blessing over life. It means taking the risk of love, commitment, loyalty. It means living for something larger than the pursuit of pleasure or success. It means daring greatly.

Choose life. Nothing sounds easier yet nothing has proven more difficult over time. Instead, people choose substitutes for life. They pursue wealth, possessions, status, power, fame, and to these gods they make a supreme sacrifice, realizing too late that true wealth is not what you own but what you are thankful for; that the highest status is not to care about status, and that influence is more powerful than power.

Moses’ last testament to us at the very end of his days, when his mind might so easily have turned to death, was to choose life.

As we approach the high holidays, we all need to take a realistic inventory of ourselves and our lives. The most important choice we can make is to choose life. In other words, to decide on core beliefs that will shape our character and define our purpose – the standards and values that determine how we live from day to day, what we believe, where will we be at the end of our life, and most importantly, what will happen after that.  What characteristic traits and examples did we demonstrate that will live on in our children and grandchildren as they choose life for themselves?

Is it ever okay to challenge God’s decisions and actions? In our parashah, God reveals to Abraham that he will destroy the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah because of their wickedness. God had every right to destroy the cities, and it is likely that anyone who was familiar with the cities would agree. But then Abraham does the unthinkable. He challenges God. This is a phenomenal moment in Jewish history. It is the first time a human challenges God. No, it isn’t that Abraham tries to change God’s mind. It isn’t even that he tries to bargain with God to spare the city for a handful of righteous people if they are found in the city. It is in his bold questions which could implicate God for this action. “Would you sweep away the innocent along with the guilty?” Shall not the Judge of all the earth deal justly?” Is Abraham speaking foolishly? Why would Abraham say such a thing?  Does Abraham believe God would do a grave injustice by slaying the innocent along with the wicked? Abraham knows he is going out on a limb, so he pleads with God not to get angry as he tries to save the wicked cities.  By what right does a mere mortal challenge God, Himself? The short answer is that God, Himself, signaled that he should. The words,” shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do?” are a clear hint that God wants Abraham to respond to him; otherwise why would he have said them?  What is amazing about this is that God intentionally involved Abraham in his decision. There is a give and take between Abraham and God. In the end, Abraham could not save the city, but as some scholars have put it,” Abraham has saved God.”

Abraham understood the principle of collective responsibility. The people of Sodom were not his brothers and sisters, so he was going above and beyond in what he did in trying to rescue them. He prayed on their behalf because he understood the idea of human solidarity and the nature of moral responsibility.

Chasidic Masters describe how Abraham represents the attribute of benevolence. So, if kindness is his innate characteristic trait, how is it possible for Abraham to speak harshly, especially to God? And not only did Abraham speak harshly with God, his remarks opened with a rebuke! What happened to Abraham’s more natural, kind demeanor? Abraham was not kind because it was his instinct, but because that was the proper way to serve God. So, when Abraham saw that he had to act in a way diametrically opposed to his natural tendencies, he did so with complete selflessness and commitment.  Instead of his nature dictating his behavior, the necessities of the hour determined Abraham’s course of action. Abraham’s actions, which were immediate and went against his inborn tendencies, are instructive for all generations. It teaches us that when a situation calls for it, we must move into action, with all our strength and with all of our means even if our natural instinct would have us do otherwise.

We hear or read about this sort of circumstance all the time. When an emergency occurs such as flames coming from a burning house or car, there are those ordinary people who do extraordinary things to try and save the victims. What is the process? What propels these men and women to defy the natural instinct for self-preservation and save a stranger? Is there a pause of deliberation when one consciously overrides personal risk in favor of another’s life? Or is it instinctive, an internal flip of a switch that sends one to act first and reflect later? A team of Yale researchers collected 51 statements by some of these situational heroes.

When interviewed, these heroes say:” I just did what I felt I needed to do. You don’t think about someone making that big a deal out of it.”

As I stated, kindness was embodied in Abraham. Abraham’s tendency was gentle, not combative; warm and respectful, not abrasive. This makes his protestation of Sodom and Gomorra’s impending destruction so remarkable. How did Abraham override his soft, obedient nature to stand up to the God he would die for?

Rashi said that Abraham trespassed his own proclivity for peaceful reconciliation into the foreign land of confrontation. Faced with the possibly unjust destruction of an entire city, Abraham discarded his natural composition and” approached to speak harshly.”

It happened one transformative moment. The heroes of the Yale study did not pause to weigh their predicament of another human against their own natural interests and habits. And Abraham did not consider the repercussions of challenging the all-powerful being whom he served.

But another question remains. Why did God want Abraham to challenge him? Rabbi Jonathan Sacks said:  The answer is that Abraham was to become the role model and initiator of a new faith, one that would not defend the human status, but challenge it. Abraham had to have the courage to challenge God if his descendants were to challenge human rulers, as Moses and the prophets did. Jews do not accept the world that is. They challenge in the name of the world that ought to be. This is a critical turning point in human history: the birth of the world’s first religion of protest – a faith that challenges the world instead of accepting it. Abraham was the role model of leadership as Judaism understands it. He took personal and collective responsibility. He acted; he did not wait for others to act. Judaism is God’s call to responsibility.  Abraham felt a sense of ownership for the world in which he lived. If there was something wrong, it needed to be changed, even if it had been decreed by the will of God. Strong leadership determines the direction of the community and provides a valued role for the community and its members.

It happens to all of us. You are not quite seeing eye to eye with your boss on something, and you feel strongly enough about your opinion that you need to speak your mind and voice your concerns.  However, ideally, you would like to do that in a way that does not make you look like a know- it- all who is challenging his or her authority.  Is that a smart move?

Employment experts say regularly challenging your superiors could be good thing for your career – provided you are smart about it. Choosing your words carefully and finding the right forum to express your challenge could boost your career prospects, rather than damaging them. When dealing with a sticky work situation, it is best to be positive, sincere, and respectful. So how and when do you challenge your leader in a smart and effective way? Carefully consider time and place; start positive; ask questions; focus on results; respect the final decision.  In the end your boss has the final say. If he or she considers your opinion, only to rule against it, you need to respect that as Abraham did.

We must seek opportunities in our own generation to make our world a better place not only for ourselves but for the rest of humanity. As individuals, there are times we must follow Abraham’s example, challenging those in power and reminding them of their values.

In our Parshah, Moses began the first of three discourses to the children of Israel. He talks about the The Way We Were. It isn’t surprising that he started his farewell speech with the Memory of what he and the people have been through together.   He thought The Children Will Listen now.  He told them that following the exodus from Egypt they would be Free Again. The people knew they were going Somewhere, but they did not know where.  He also reminded them that God gave the promised land to the Jewish people.  The people thought, Happy Days Are Here Again.

Moses was not able to settle to all conflicts that the people Tell Him, so he established a system of courts to settle disputes.

Moses assured the people many times not to be afraid but rather to trust in God. They should stop complaining and whining. There should be No More Tears because Enough is Enough is Enough.

Moses sent the spies to check out the land to which they were headed and instructed them to report back on what they found. To their negative report, he replied: Don’t Lie to Me, What Kind of Fool do you think I am?

Moses reminded the children of Israel they were frequently rebellious and Guilty of not listening to God.  They fought amongst themselves but there was no more time for Being at War with Each Other

God saw that most of those who were slaves in Egypt were not spiritually ready to live in the promised land, so he decided that the generations born after the exodus would enter the promised land.

God told Moses that he was forbidden to enter the promised land.  Moses appealed to God saying, Papa, Can You Hear Me?  Can I at least see it? He was told to go to the top of the mountain and look across the river because On a Clear Day you can see forever. Before his death, he told the people it was As If We Never Said Goodbye.  It’s ok if You Don’t Bring Me Flowers. I gave you my heart and soul for 40 years but now  My Heart Belongs to Me.

While wandering toward the promised land, the children of Israel encountered hostile foes. They avoided some of them, fought to victory against others.  God would not let anyone Rain on Our Parade. They finally arrived at the promised land, which, after all that was the Main Event.  Moses said:  I need someone to take my place.  I Finally Found Someone. Joshua is My Man. He will lead you into the promised land.

He reiterated that they were the Chosen People.  They should depend on each other because People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.

This is the first Parshah of the fifth book of the torah, Deuteronomy.  Because Israel’s primary duty to God is obedience of his laws, it is imperative that every Israelite be taught those laws. This is Moses’ main goal in Deuteronomy. Thirty-seven days before his passing, Moses begins his repetition of the Torah to the assembled children of Israel, reviewing the events that occurred and the laws that were given in the course of their 40 year journey from Egypt to Sinai to the promised land, rebuking the people for their failings and iniquities, and directing them to keep the Torah and observe its Commandments in the land that God is giving them as an eternal heritage into which they shall enter after his death.

Simon Sinek has said that transformative leaders are those that “start with why.” In the Devarim speeches, Moses gave the people their “Why”.

When we think of Moses, we think of an iconic image of him as a charismatic, chosen, and singularly powerful individual – the quintessential picture of a leader who knows exactly what needs to be done, when, by whom, and for how long. However, as the children of Israel move forward into Israel, perhaps a different kind of leader is necessary at this time of great challenge and change. The generation with the slave mentality is largely gone. The next generation of free men and women will look at things differently. We can learn about a new kind of leadership in a book by Liz Wiseman entitled” Multipliers: How the Best Leaders Make Everyone Smarter”.  Liz Wiseman’s core thesis is that there are two kinds of leaders, which she calls multipliers and diminishers.  A multiplier makes people around him or her better with more ideas, higher morale, higher productivity.  Everyone feels invested.  Problems are solved. There is a greater sense of team.  By contrast, a diminisher makes people around him or her worse with fewer ideas, lower morale, lower productivity. There is little sense of team.

She goes on to discuss other differences between the two types of leaders.  The first difference between a diminisher and a multiplier is that a diminisher thinks that he or she is the smartest person in the room and that “people won’t figure it out without me”. I am the genius.  I tell you what to do.  You do it. By contrast, a multiplier thinks that everyone in the room smart and then everyone can help figure it out. The multiplier does not want to be a genius, but a genius maker.  “I am not the smartest person in the room”.  I want to work with you so that you become the smartest person in the room.

Moses was described as the most humble man on the planet. Core humility leads to the second big difference between the diminisher and the multiplier. The diminisher tells. I am going to tell you what to do because I know what to do. By contrast, the multiplier asks or challenges or invites. The third crucial difference between the diminisher and the multiplier has to do with the vibe you create. The diminisher has the truth, makes the decisions, and tells people what to do. This leads to micromanagement, which leads to tension and anxiety. By contrast, the multiplier creates a liberating effect. By asking people what they think, by inviting their voices, by respecting their contributions, the vibe is not anxiety but curiosity, not tension but openness. We should assume that everyone has something to offer. Everybody has something to teach us.  Which kind of leader are you or your boss?  What about our politicians?

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks tells us that in the last months of his life, Moses ceased to be the liberator, the miracle worker and Redeemer, and became instead Moshe Rabbenu,” Moses, our teacher.” Remember that when Moses began his career, he pleaded with God that he was not” a man of words”. However, after 40 years of teaching Torah, he has become an eloquent” man of words”. The change is not due to his improved rhetorical skills but to his enthusiastic commitment to its message. He was the first example in the history of a type of  leadership in which Jews have excelled: the leader as a teacher. Since Moses knew that the Israelites would one day suffer exile and persecution again, and since he would not be there to do miracles, he planted a vision in their minds, hope in their hearts, a discipline in their deeds and a strength their souls that would never fade.

As I mentioned, when someone exercises power over us, he or she diminishes us, but when someone teaches us, he or she helps us grow. That is why Judaism, with its concern for human dignity, favors leadership as education over leadership as power. We see this in Moses at the end of his life.

Gordon Tredgold wrote an article entitled: “If you want to become a great leader, become a great teacher”.  In the article, he notes that long gone are the days when leaders hoarded information for power. Today, leaders are also teachers who strive to share their knowledge to create better relationships and improve productivity and employee satisfaction. Great leaders do not wait for the perfect opening. They create teaching moments.

Even when faced with a crisis, an exemplary leader will influence and motivate no matter what. With both optimism and drive, the teacher sets an example and encourages others to work to his or her potential. In other words, a leader as a teacher will bring out the best in their team.

Leadership is not just about titles and ranks; it is also about setting positive examples and demonstrating that you are committed to your beliefs. Great leaders teach and lead by example.

When a team sees its leader or teacher modeling the right way to handle things, it will follow. Therefore, modeling is far more effective than giving a speech about it.

When you embrace the role of the teacher, you build loyalty, accelerate team development, and drive superior performance

The moral of the story is a leader should be a teacher first and a manager second. It is all about balance of knowing when it is the right time to teach and when is the right time to manage.

In the last month of his life, Moses summoned the next generation and taught them laws and lessons that would survive, and inspire them for all of time.

Teachers are the unacknowledged builders of the future, and if a leader seeks to make lasting change, he or she must follow in the footsteps of Moses and become an educator. The teacher as a leader, using influence not power, spiritual and intellectual authority rather than coercive force, was one of the greatest contributions Judaism ever made.

In this parshah, the Israelites complain about the unpleasantness of their journey, exasperating both God and Moses.

First, the people complain that they are moving too fast. God sends a fire that consumes people at the edge of the camp. Moses prays and God withdraws the fire. Next, there are more complaints. The people are tired of manna from heaven. They crave meat and vegetables and fruit and garlic. They wish they were back in Egypt. They complain, despite the fact that the Torah tells us that manna is a heavenly delicacy whose flavor knows only the bounds of the human imagination.

When the Israelites complained about the lack of meat, it was an appalling show of ingratitude, but not the first time Israelites behaved that way. There were three earlier episodes in the book of Exodus. First, they complained the water was bitter. Then, they protested the lack of food. Later, they grumbled at the absence of water. But it is this forceful outburst of the people about meat which seemed to cause a near complete breakdown of Moses.

Why did Moses despair so much when the people complained about the lack of food? As mentioned, they had done so before. But they were different before. Previously, they had not yet gone through the transformative experiences that shaped them as a nation. Now, no sooner than they had left the Sinai desert to begin their journey again, the people reverted to their old habits of complaining as if nothing had changed. If the revelation at Sinai, the experience of divine anger over the golden calf, and the long labor of building the tabernacle had not changed them, what would or could?  Now, for the first time since the mission began Moses could see defeat staring him in the face.

In response to the complaints, God told Moses to tell the Israelites that there will be meat – so much meat that they must eat it for a whole month until it comes out of their nostrils and makes them sick.

We learn from the Sifri that there are occasions when a person might voice a complaint or make an argument, when in truth, he does not believe what he’s saying. Rather he is using it as an excuse to justify undesirable behavior. In the case of these complainers, this undesirable behavior manifests itself in the people’s desire to separate themselves from God.

In the view of the sages, it was not the discomfort of the wilderness that provoked the Israelites’s complaints. It was the burden of morality, to which they had not yet become accustomed, that left them nostalgic for the days in Egypt.

Their lack of gratitude and the extent of their greed are unfathomable. Or are they? It is human nature never to be satisfied with one’s current possessions and achievements. The Mishnah declares that” one who has 100 desires 200.” Upon attaining 200, the person will crave 400 -and this continues ad infinitum. God instilled us with this nature for good reason:  its purpose is to constantly drive a person forward in his spiritual quest, not allowing him to be content with spiritual heights scaled yesterday. This nature is also the spark which continually drives scientists to unearth new discoveries and inventors to originate new inventions, which greatly improve our quality of life. We complained we haven’t been able to see each other or pray together, and ZOOM, here we are. If this quality is not used in pursuit of positive and productive objectives, then it deteriorates into an insatiable and pointless desire for more and more luxury and wealth.

Even though the person complaining would not admit it, complaining has nothing to do with circumstance and everything to do with attitude. But why do we complain? The problem is with expectations. The higher our expectations, the more upset we feel when life does not live up to them. We expected to shelter in place for a couple of weeks but that did not work out. I find myself complaining more than usual. On the other hand, the less we expect, the more likely we are to see the good in whatever comes our way. Expectations will never contribute to our happiness. They will only undermine it.

Sometimes, people engage in complaining as a way to ask for help. Voicing one’s complaints is one way to get things fixed. If you complain to someone who is in a position to make changes, and if you use a diplomatic approach, complaining in this way can be more effective in relieving stress than saying nothing, since the” polite complaint” approach can get results. We have seen this approach with the peaceful protestors marching for what happened to George Floyd.

In these days of Covid 19 restrictions and human rights issues, we are under pressure and sometimes we feel the urge to explode. Letting it all out can relieve the inner tension we feel from a difficult situation and help us feel ready to face the next frustration. Sometimes we just need to blow off steam by expressing ourselves.

Complaining, however, can be damaging as well. When a few venting sessions turn into a continual habit, where a few people venting their frustration turns into a group of constant complainers, we can induce more stress.

Complaining focuses on the problem, not potential solutions. A habitual focus of complaining brings about a pessimistic perspective. Complaining can be contagious. If you do not have a support of the group, complaining can be detrimental. Those who frequently complain can “suck the life” out of others.

Whether you call it whining, kvetching, faultfinding or complaining-when a person constantly finds things wrong with whatever situation he’s in, it makes him and the people around them miserable.

When one focuses only on what he is missing, he blinds himself to what he does have. No matter how much you do have, there will always be something to complain about if you look hard enough. Anyone having a negative attitude must make a concerted effort to build up the habit of appreciating what he has and what happens to him.

The story of the” Manna Mutiny” has a powerful moral lesson: strive for more and better in areas of character, good deeds, and our relationship with God and our fellow man. But always be happy with the material bounty that God has granted.

I will close with two statements I found:  There is an Indian proverb:” I had no shoes and complained, until I met a man with no feet.”

Finally, as we struggle with our new way of life, think about what Maya Angelou said” what you’re supposed to do when you don’t like that thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain.