The phrase ‘Close, but No Cigar’ is used to indicate that you have fallen just short of a successful outcome and have received no reward for your efforts. How does that apply to today’s parshah?

No one has been as influential over the history of the Jewish people than Moses – the man who confronted Pharaoh, announced the plagues, brought the people out of Egypt, led them through the sea and desert and suffered their multiple ingratitudes for forty years. He brought the word of God to the people and prayed for the people to God. Moses was the man whose passion for justice and receptivity to the voice of God made him the greatest leader of all time.

According to today’s parshah, the Israelites were complaining about the lack of water in the wilderness after Miriam died. God instructed Moses to speak to a rock and command it to yield water for the people. However, Moses, in his frustration with the Israelites and while grieving for Miriam, struck the rock twice with his staff instead of speaking to it as commanded.

This act of disobedience was seen as a lack of faith and a failure to uphold God’s holiness before the people. As a consequence, God told Moses and his brother Aaron that they would not lead the Israelites into the Promised Land. Aaron died shortly afterward, and Moses, though he could see the land from Mount Nebo, was not allowed to cross over into it himself. Instead, God appointed Joshua to lead the Israelites into Canaan

Few passages have generated so much controversy among the commentators. Each offers his own interpretation for what Moses’ main offence was and challenges the other explanations. There were so many hypotheses that a nineteenth century Italian interpreter R. Shmuel David Luzzatto wrote, “Moses committed one sin, yet the commentators have accused him of thirteen or more – each inventing some new iniquity!”

Moses’ inability to understand the distinction between striking vs. speaking was not a failing or a sin. It was an inescapable consequence of the fact that he was mortal. What he failed to understand was that time had changed in one essential detail. He was facing a new generation. The people he confronted the first time he struck a rock years ago were those who had spent much of their lives as slaves in Egypt. Those he now faced were born into freedom in the wilderness. A figure capable of leading slaves to freedom is not the same as one able to lead free human beings from a nomadic existence in the wilderness to the conquest and settlement of a land. There are different challenges, and they need different types of leadership. Indeed, the whole biblical story of how a short journey took forty years teaches us this truth. Great change does not take place overnight. It takes more than one generation – and therefore more than one type of leader The fact that at a moment of crisis Moses reverted to an act that had been appropriate forty years before showed that time had come for new leadership for this new generation

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks writes that each age produces its leaders, and each leader is a function of an age. There are certain timeless truths about leadership. A leader must have courage and integrity. He must be able to relate to each individual according to his or her distinctive needs. Above all, a leader must be able to constantly learn and adjust to change. These are necessary, not sufficient, conditions. A leader must be sensitive to the call of the hour – this hour, this generation, this chapter in the long story of a people. And because he or she is of a specific generation, even the greatest leader cannot meet the challenges of a different generation. That is not a failing. It is the existential condition of humanity.

There is one critical difference between slaves and free human beings. Slaves respond to orders. Free people do not. They must be educated, informed, instructed, and taught. If not, they will not learn to take responsibility. Slaves understand that a stick is used for striking. That is how slave-masters compel obedience. But free human beings must not be struck. They respond, not to power but persuasion. They need to be spoken to. What Moses failed to hear and understand was that the difference between God’s command then and now, i.e. “strike the rock” and “speak to the rock” was of the essence. The symbolism in each case related to the mentalities of two different generations. You strike a slave but speak to a free person.

As a leader of the people for 40 years, Moses failed to educate a new generation that was ready for a relationship with God.  This generation of Israelites speaks the same scripts as their fathers and mothers. But Moses has not transformed their destructive attitudes or values. He has not successfully refashioned the Israelites’ loyalty and the incident at the rock emphasizes his failure of leadership. This event at the rock showed it was time for new leadership that might be successful in inspiring new loyalties to the God who had taken the people out of Egypt.

Great leadership is about successfully orienting change. Leadership involves developing a vision of the future and implementing strategies to achieve that vision. Leadership means motivating and inspiring people to change habits, attitudes and values that might have prevented them from achieving their goals. When a leaders’ style and approach are outdated, their teams and colleagues stop responding.

Letting go is one of the hardest parts of effective leadership. An effective leader sets a clear vision to help their teams see what matters most. It is to clearly communicate their vision and establish shared, explicit expectations. Effective leaders identify who, what, when, where, and why. Responsibility entails the strategic and purposeful passing of the baton from one person to the next at the right time. Effective leaders provide support and praise. Effective leaders follow up on met and unmet expectations.

Sometimes being a good leader means knowing when it is time to step down and let others lead. How do you know when it’s time to step down? There are some areas to consider:  Is the organization in a strong position? Do you have good potential replacements on board? If you have good succession planning, then you should have individuals ready to move forward into the leadership position. This allows you to step down with confidence. Is there a different skill set needed? Can someone else do it better? Being a good leader means recognizing your own strengths and weaknesses and letting someone else lead when it is best for the organization. Every organization needs to evolve and grow. If you can’t allow that, then you need to go. New leadership brings innovative ideas, experiences, and energy to an organization that can increase its impact.

Many leaders today don’t belong in leadership positions anymore.   The success factors for leadership have changed drastically because of the demands of a new global marketplace. Leadership is what defines a company’s success and long-term sustainability.    Just ask Blockbuster, Blackberry and MySpace.   Their leadership obviously didn’t think, act and innovate enough to anticipate and keep up with the leadership activities that were taking place at Netflix, Apple, and Facebook. 

Leadership is about seamlessly being able to reinvent yourself, your organization and the people who serve it – all at the same time.  If you or your organization’s leaders lack this ability – it’s time for a refresh. People and organizations deserve the best leadership and it is your responsibility to change it when it no longer works.

Moses was a great leader. The nobility of his character and his capacity for restraining himself from reacting to insults and his desire to unite people and see to their welfare all comprise the unique nature of his leadership. Yes, Moses is a hero of legendary proportions who can calm an angry God yet chastise and redirect his people when they panic. But his ability to be the leader of the Israelites crumbled with the incident at the rock.

He was the ideal leader for the desert, the only one who could give direction and purpose to the wanderings. But he is not the leader for the new free generation, the one to build a covenantal community in Eretz Israel.

Close, but no cigar.

It says in Parsha Behar that the land shall have a Sabbath every 7th year. It shall be a complete year of rest for the land. The 50th year shall be sacred, and it shall be a jubilee year. God also says: “The land must not be sold in perpetuity for the land is mine.” Tucked away in the parshah, almost as an aside in the course of explaining the laws of the year of release in which debts are canceled, is one of Judaism’s most important institutions, the principle of tzedakah.

Jews are certainly familiar with the idea of giving tzedakah. As Jews, giving money to charity is a fundamental value that we are encouraged to practice from a young age. Many Jewish homes have a tzedakah box for collecting coins for the poor. Some traditional Jews give at least ten percent of their income to charity. Giving to charity is an almost instinctive Jewish response to express thanks to G-d, to ask forgiveness from G-d, or to request a favor from G-d. 

 A 2010 study at the University of Indiana found that Jewish philanthropy in the United States exceeds that of any other group. In January 2023, the Times of Israel reported that half of America’s most generous philanthropists are Jewish.

Although giving tzedakah and giving charity might seem similar on the surface, the two have different origins and meanings. In Jewish tradition, tzedakah is an obligation, whereas charity is typically seen as a voluntary act. The roots of the two terms illustrate the distinction. Charity comes from the Latin word which means love or dearness, suggesting that charitable acts are motivated by love. In contrast, tzedakah is connected with the word tzedec, meaning righteousness or justice. More than just generosity, it carries connotations of an ethical obligation.

Additionally, although we often associate tzedakah with giving money, tzedakah isn’t limited to monetary gifts. It can also include offerings of food, clothing, time, or expertise.

Tzedakah is a constituent of Jewish community life, the moral bond between Jew and Jew (though it should be noted that Jewish law also obligates Jews to give tzedakah to non-Jews). It is foundational to the concept of a covenantal society which is an ethical enterprise constructed on the basis of mutual responsibility.

What are the other differences between Tzedakah and charity? As mentioned, charities are voluntary contributions while tzedakah is a religious duty. Some sages have said that tzedakah is the highest of all commandments, equal to all of them combined, and that a person who does not perform tzedakah is equivalent to an idol worshipper. This is probably hyperbole, but it illustrates the importance of tzedakah in Jewish thought. Tzedakah is one of the three acts that gain us forgiveness from our sins. The High Holiday liturgy repeatedly states that G-d has inscribed a judgment against all who have sinned, but teshuvah (repentance), tefilah (prayer) and tzedakah can alleviate the decree. The Jewish law describes the act of giving tzedakah as a mitzvah, a religious duty to perform a good deed. Tzedakah is all about doing what is right. Unlike regular charity, which is free of any rules, there are a few tzedakah guidelines that need to be adhered to. These guidelines help bring structure and make this practice even more effective in curbing poverty. By announcing it as a way of serving justice, it also ensures the donor remains humble and not boastful.

Charity, simply put, is giving to others simply because they asked. A person with a charitable nature is one who freely gives of his own money or belongings to others, regardless of how much the other person deserves what he is getting. There is no ulterior motive other than to help out another person who is in need. If someone gives for some kind of personal gain, it is hard to call that person charitable. Tzedakah is all that, with one exception. With tzedakah, the giving has little to do with what a person feels about being charitable and everything to do with being righteous. You give to others in need because it is the moral thing to do, because it is what God wants you to do, as expressed in Jewish law.

Maimonides describes eight different levels of Tzedakah. The lowest level is when one gives unwillingly. The greatest level, above which there is no greater, is to support a fellow Jew by endowing him with a gift or loan, or entering into a partnership with him, or finding employment for him, in order to strengthen his hand so that he will not need to be dependent upon others.

This is why the greatest act of charity is not simply giving money to a stranger. It is to help someone get on their feet, to do whatever you can, in whatever small or large way, to point them in the direction of self-sufficiency. You’re not simply giving them a job, but self-dignity, the most important human asset.

Dignity is crucial, as is a certain amount of personal independence, and nothing provides both better than being a responsible person.

Jewish tradition generally hold that everyone has an obligation to give tzedakah, including those who are themselves in need. Why would a poor person be obligated to give tzedakah? According to Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, it is because giving imparts dignity to the giver. “Tzedakah is not only directed to people’s physical needs, but also their psychological situation,” he wrote. “The paradox of giving is that when we give to another, it is we ourselves who are lifted.” While physical needs can be met by others or the community, psychological needs are just as crucial. Therefore, those dependent on tzedakah should still give to others, ensuring no one is stripped of the dignity that comes from giving.

However, what is the halacha for giving Tzedakah if the person in need is lazy? What if the person collecting Tzedakah is someone who could be working to make his own living but has chosen to live off the consciences and free handouts of generous others. Halacha says it is forbidden to give anything to such a poor person. This is because, whereas charity is a means to financially help the poor, either with money or something else of value,  Tzedakah a way to give a person what he really needs, and what he would really want if he knew better.

If a person is pursuing a life of charity because he refuses to take responsibility for his life, then the godly thing to do would be not to give him a handout, in order to force him to take responsibility for his life. Of course, this is hard to know about strangers, especially when they show up at your door for the first time or approach you while you are in your car at a stoplight. There is no question that today there are lots of frauds, making it very difficult for real people, but it is very hard to tell those who truly need tzedakah from those who do not.

The Israelites were charged with creating a society in which everyone has a basic right to a dignified life and equal worth as citizens in the covenantal community under the sovereignty of God.  To repeat,Tzedakah concerns not just physical needs but psychological ones also. Poverty humiliates, and a good society will not allow humiliation. Protecting dignity and avoiding humiliation was a systematic element of rabbinical law.

By recognizing that our wealth and property are part of something greater, we are reminded to cherish and not take them for granted. Such an understanding reinforces the principle that we should not let money dominate our lives but be continually grateful for what we have. Giving tzedakah doesn’t merely support others; it cultivates gratitude and humility within us.

Traditional Jews observe the dietary laws derived mostly from today’s Parsha, Shemini. Thousands of years before the 19th century saying, “You are what you eat” came into being, Judaism recognized the essential significance of food in the Jewish and human experience. Originally, without explaining why we should eat some but not all types of food, the Torah laid down a lengthy list of culinary do’s and don’ts, the textural foundation of kashrut. Subsequently, the laws of kashrut were expanded by the rabbis to include food preparation in general and, especially on the Shabbat, the full separation of milk and meat products, methods of slaughter, and a whole range of food regulations during Passover. The dietary laws constitute a way of sanctifying the act of eating. 

However, in this, as well as other matters of the Jewish religious law and custom, the degree and manner of observance differs among contemporary Jews.  As mentioned, the Torah does not give specific reasons for most of the laws of kashrut. However, a number of explanations have been offered, including maintaining ritual purity, teaching impulse control, encouraging obedience to God, improving health, reducing cruelty to animals and preserving the distinctness of the Jewish community. Many modern Jews think that the laws of kashrut are simply primitive health regulations that have become obsolete with modern methods of food preparation and storage.

The short answer as to why Jews observe these laws is because the Torah says so. For the Torah observant, traditional Jew, there is no need for any other reason. Some have suggested that the laws of kashrut fall into the category of chukkim, laws for which there is no reason.

Keeping kosher isn’t meaningful for everyone when it means following seemingly arbitrary rules. Keeping kosher is about our relationship with the sustenance God gives us. Just like our body is a gift, food is a gift.

According to a national Jewish population survey, 24% of self-identified Conservative Jews keep Kosher at home. 17% of all American Jews report they keep kosher in their homes. Part of that 17% keep kosher at home but eat nonkosher food out of the home to one degree or another. Some will eat food in a restaurant or nonkosher home, as long as the meal is either vegetarian or uses only kosher meat and no dairy products. Some will eat nonkosher meat in restaurants, but only if the comes from a kosher animal and is not served with dairy products. Some will go all out and eat bacon cheeseburgers out of the home while keeping strictly kosher in their home. Even within the home, standards of kashrut that people employ vary. Some are very strict; others are more lenient in what they accept as reliable certifications. This flexible practice emerged in the 1920’s amongst Jews assimilating into American society, who sought connection with their heritage without fully observing dietary laws.

 Rabbi and humorist Jack Moline noted,” Everyone who keeps kosher will tell you that his version is the only correct version. Everyone else is either a fanatic or a heretic.”

All of this all of this brings up questions I have to ask myself. Since I don’t keep kosher, does that mean I am a bad Jew? Does it mean I am not religious?  Should I tally up how many of the 613 commandments I observe to determine if I am religious?  What is the difference between being religious and being observant? Religious refers to beliefs and values, whereas observant involves ritual practices and carrying out daily mitzvot. Though many religious Jews are also observant, there are also many who are not. One author who I read feels that religion is your relationship with God and observance is your relationship with other people. There is no modern Hebrew term for someone who is religious but not observant. In Jewish life today, there are many who fall in this category and are often referred to as. “Cultural Jews.”  The complexity and totality of what it means to be Jewish can’t be condensed into a litmus test of what you eat.

To assess myself, I asked: what are the characteristics of a good Jew. Rabbi Stewart Weiss suggests a top 10 of qualities that define a “good Jew.” First, is Humility. “A person wrapped up in himself makes for a very small package.” Next, is Chessed which combines the features of compassion, kindness and charity. Then there is Justice, Truth, Modesty, Scholarship, Courage, Faith, Optimism, and Israel.

I decided to ask Chat GPT the same question. It’s answer: “A good Jew can mean different things to different people, as Judaism is a diverse religion with various interpretations and practices. However, there are some common principles and values that Jews consider important for leading a meaningful and fulfilling Jewish life. Here are some aspects often associated with being a “good Jew.”  Observance of mitzvot, Study and education, Prayer and spiritual practice, Community engagement, Ethical behavior, Tikkun Olam, Connection to Jewish identity and heritage, personal growth and reflection.”

In thinking what is the “right” way to be Jewish, I accept that there are many valid Jewish backgrounds and lifestyles. You are a good Jew if you are a good person.

Most Jewish people I know are religious in that they hold values and beliefs that are derived from the Jewish tradition and nurtured by our own culture. Our task is to encourage them to set up a discipline of religious practices that are compatible with their personal views, thus ensuring the continuity of our tradition and culture.

 It is essential to recognize that there is diversity within the Jewish community, and individuals may prioritize different aspects of Jewish practice and belief. At the end of the day, religiosity is a personal experience, and while guidelines may help, they can guarantee no outcome. Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so, too, is how religious one is.

One person might feel extremely close to God and believe religion inspires his or her life, but never attend religious services. Another person may attend religious services regularly, and yet feel distant from God or not prioritize religion over other dimensions of life. Not everyone would agree which of these two individuals is “more religious”.

When we let go of the self-conscious idea of being a “good” or “bad”, Jew and accept ourselves for who we are, we are better able to truly connect with our faith. This open outlook welcomes all kinds of Jews, removing the boundaries that history has created in helping our diverse and multifaceted community create a more beautiful Judaism.

So, what are we to make about all of this? Although I may not be the most observant Jew, I definitely have a personal relationship with God in my life and, therefore, I feel I am religious.  I believe in God just as much as many of those who might be described as “more religious” than I am. In keeping with our commitment to Judaism, we should choose practices that elevate our spirits and move us to ethical action. We should not criticize our fellow Jews, who also study and make decisions, even if their choices and practices are very different from our own. And, above all, we should renew our commitment to making the world a better place, whatever we do or do not eat.

To paraphrase a couple commercial sayings “Jew it your way” or “Just Jew It.”

Helen Keller said: “Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.” Andrew Carnegie said: “Teamwork is the fuel that allows common people to attain uncommon results.” I think we can all agree with these statements. Both apply to today’s parshah. In parshah Terumah, God says to Moses,”They shall make for me a sanctuary, and I shall dwell amongst them.” On the summit of Mount Sinai, Moses is given detailed instructions on how to construct this dwelling for God so that it could be readily dismantled, transported and reassembled as the people journeyed the desert. Many chapters in the torah are devoted to the fine details of this task.

The building of the Mishkan is the Israelites first great constructive and collaborative act after crossing the Red Sea, leaving the domain of Egypt and entering their new domain as the people of God. The tabernacle, small and fragile though it was, was an event of huge significance. It brought the divine presence down from heaven to earth. God came close to the Israelites through the building of this sanctuary. It was the fact that it was built out of the gifts of “everyone whose heart prompts them to give”. It was where people gave voluntarily to one another and to holy causes. That is where the divine presence rests.

Remember, it was after the occurrence of the Golden Calf that God tasked the Israelites with building a Tabernacle. The Jews compiled their resources including gold, silver, and leather, as well as their time and skill, to build this House of Worship. Up until this point, the Israelites were known for their complaining. The difference, however, between this event and others before this, was that they built the Tabernacle without complaint.

The building of the Mishkan will force the Israelites to work together in harmony and unison to construct something better than they would have constructed had they been tasked to do so as individuals working alone. It helped prepare them for a common future. The people’s participation in the making of the tabernacle will unify the nation in a different way. It will elevate the seemingly mundane work of construction into a sacred vocation, dedicated to the service of the one God who freed them from Egypt. These former slaves are no strangers to building monuments and cities. In contrast, constructing the tabernacle and all its finery will be holy work that aims to create sacred space and sacred instruments of worship.  This Mishkan became the model and prototype for all subsequent homes for God constructed on Earth.

Team building, even after a disaster like the Golden Calf, is neither a mystery nor a miracle. It is done by giving the group a task, one that speaks to their passions. You can turn even hostile factions into a single cohesive group, so long as they are faced with the challenge that all can achieve together, but none can do alone. It must be constructive. Every member of the group must be able to make a unique contribution, and then feel that it has been valued. Each must be able to say, with pride: I helped make this. That is what Moses understood and did. He knew that if you want to build a team, create a team that builds. The team in this case is not a small group, but rather the entire Israelite nation.

Teamwork occurs when a group of individuals work together toward a collective goal in an efficient manner. It involves the combined efforts of individual members who bring their unique knowledge and skills to the table. Rabbi Abramski suggests that the ultimate purpose of each individual is to combine his/her personality, with all of its contradictions and complexities, with the personalities of others. Thereby, the group will be composed of a multitude of individuals whose stark differences result in a harmonious and well-functioning group. Strong team dynamics enable individual members to divide complex projects into manageable tasks, which will enhance productivity and enable an organization to function more effectively. Moreover, successful teamwork creates a supportive network that can significantly enhance job satisfaction and morale. Team leaders play an important role in promoting open communication and ensuring that each member’s voice is heard which can lead to better decision making and positive effect on the desired goals.

Another interesting aspect of building the Mishkan can be found in the work of behavioral economist Dan Ariely. He did a series of experiments on what is known as the IKEA effect or “why we overvalue what we make.” The name comes, of course, from the store that sells self- assembly furniture. Most of us have been there. After we construct something, even if the item is amateurish, we tend to feel a certain pride in it. We can say, “ I made this,” even if someone else designed it, produced the pieces, and wrote the instructions.  Ariely’s conclusions of his studies were that the effort that we put into something does not change the object. It changes us in the way we evaluate the object. The greater the labor, the greater the love for what we have made.

The Mishkan was the first thing the Israelites made in the wilderness, and it marks a turning point in the Exodus. Until now, God has done all the work. He took the people out of Egypt to freedom. He gave them food. However, the people did not appreciate it. They were ungrateful. They complained. Now God instructed Moses to take the people through a role reversal. Instead of God doing things for them, he commanded them to make something for Him. This was not about God. This was about humans and their dignity, their self-respect. By making them build the Tabernacle, God taught them an important lesson about responsibility and adulthood, and that one must use the resources given to them and make something of themselves rather than wait for things to be given to them in a silver platter. One must create from what one is given.

God gave the Israelites a chance to make something with her own hands, something they would value because, collectively, they made it. Everyone who was willing could contribute from whatever they had. Everyone had the opportunity to take part: women as well as men, the people as a whole, not just the elite.

The teamwork culture empowers people, treats them as the individuals that they are and values utilizinging this power to work better. It means creating an environment where people have a voice and feel comfortable asking questions, raising concerns and sharing ideas. Individuals need to be supported and be supported for who they are, and they should be encouraged to become the best that they can be.

The word Terumah can be translated as a contribution, but it actually has a subtly different meaning for which there is no simple English equivalent. It means “ something you lift up” by dedicating to a sacred cause. You lift it up, then it lifts you up. One of the best ways of elevating our spiritual heights is simply to give in gratitude for the fact that things have been given to us. Divine presence was not in a building but in its builders, not in a physical place but in the human heart. The truth is that in giving, we actually receive more than we give. So, whenever you think you’re a big deal because you did something for a good cause, remember that you are receiving much more than you are giving.

Booker T. Washington said, “If you want to lift up yourself, lift up someone else.” May we all be lifted up, but more importantly, may we lift up others.

Self-doubt can be defined as a lack of confidence in oneself and one’s abilities. It could be about our thoughts, beliefs, emotions, opinions, decisions, and self-views, or any truth we hold in our minds. Researchers suggest that self-doubt specifically involves questioning our own competence.

In this week’s parshah, God tells Moses that he wants Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, from slavery to freedom. Moses answered God’s call.  However, Moses expresses doubt is own worthiness. When called by God, Moses doesn’t question the order. He questions himself. Whether out of apprehension or humility, he quickly added several excuses for not immediately doing what God asked. Excuse one: I am not good enough. God did not accept Moses’ first excuse because it is the same excuse anyone could use. Excuse two: I don’t have all the answers. This call wasn’t about Moses-it was about God.  God was asking Moses to be His voice. Excuse three: people won’t believe me. Excuse four: I am a terrible public speaker.  It is not clear as to whether this means that he had a physical speech defect or was self-conscious and inarticulate. The only thing that is clear is that Moses thinks his condition disqualifies him from being God’s agent in the task of confronting Pharaoh. Moses felt inadequate to address Pharaoh as God’s agent. Excuse five:  I am not qualified. Moses’ final excuse is desperate.” Please, anyone but me! “God responds to this excuse in righteous anger. The excuses stop and God calls Aaron to serve alongside his brother. Aaron was a man with the abilities Moses felt he lacked.  Aaron’s role as mediator was critical to the success of Moses’ leadership. Moses needed to reach beyond his own personal experience.  As we can see, Moses was full of self-doubt, but God trusted him anyway.

We have all been there. At some points in our lives, we question whether we are doing well enough or are capable of facing all the uncertainties that might come up as we grow older. We experience feelings of self-doubt around decisions and choices we made or simply feel that we’re not good enough. Will I get into medical school?  Will I find a job? Will this D’var be good enough?  Self-doubt occurs when we lack confidence or feel incapable of doing things we need to do. A certain level of self-doubt is good because it indicates that you understand what you need to improve in order to do a better job. However, persistent fear and self-doubt can affect your life in a bad way.

Five common causes of self-doubt include:

1.  Past experience and mistakes. Past experience can make us question our beliefs. However, continuing to reference past experiences without learning from them is just a waste of time.
2. Childhood upbringing.  If you were raised by parents or teachers who constantly told that you were not good enough, you might have already internalized the habit of questioning yourself.
3. Comparisons with others. When you’re comparing too much with others about what they have or what you lack, you’ll start to lose yourself.
4. New challenges. This is a pretty normal case because we have no experience about how to react or what things we need to do. The feeling of uncertainty and insecurity will make you feel uncomfortable.
5. Fear of failure.

There are three clues that self-doubt and the fear of getting things wrong could be undermining your ability to turn thoughts into action: You’re constantly apologizing, you second guess yourself, and you would rather be in the background.

Self-doubt can leave you with anxiety, depression, procrastination or lack of motivation, emotional instability, low self-esteem, difficulty making decisions or feeling that you have little control over your life.

Theodora Goss, in an article about self-doubt, wrote the following: “We usually think of self-doubt as a problem, almost as a disease. Despite previous successes, we still have self-doubt. Self-doubt is not something anyone else can fight. It is your own personal monster. You have to fight it yourself. But there are also some good things about self-doubt. It sounds counter-intuitive, but it can be argued that self-doubt can be a source of strength. It can be what makes you stronger and better.”  Here’s how:

1. Self-doubt can make you work harder. I know, this is not always true; self-doubt can lead to giving up. But doubting our own talents and abilities can drive us to work harder to get what we want. Study harder for the exam. Prepare harder for the class.  Practice more.
2. Self-doubt means you judge yourself more harshly, which can be a bad thing. As mentioned, it can lead to despair and depression. But it can also make you hold yourself to a high standard.
3. Self-doubt gives you a sense of humility. A student who doubts his or her own abilities will listen to you, will learn what you have to teach. So, if you have self-doubt, you tend to be a good student.

How do to overcome self-doubt?

1. Practice self-compassion
2. Remember your past achievements
3. Try not to compare yourself to others
4. Be mindful of your thinking.

If negative thoughts persist, take a moment and ask yourself if you really believe that they are true. Consider how positive thinking may shift your mindset and allow you to be more confidence in your abilities.

• Spend time with supportive people.  They can remind you how talented and resilient you are during times when you’re not feeling that way about yourself
• Remember you are your harshest critic.
• Seek professional help, if necessary

The poet, Sylvia Plath said: “Your worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.” Which of your dreams are you preventing yourself from achieving because there will be naysayers who will tell you that you can’t do whatever it is you hope to do in life? Don’t let those voices come from your own head.

To summarize, everyone has self-doubt. It is what we do with it that is important.  Self-doubt is easily one of the quickest things we allow to steal our joy. We all carry around this voice of self-doubt. Self-doubt goes away the more we trust ourselves. At the end of the day, self-doubt was here to teach us something, to learn and grow, and to get better.

The Bat Ayin commentary said that it was exactly Moses’s self-doubt that eventually made him an ideal messenger for God. God was not looking for a brash, confident, self-assured intermediary. He was looking for a quiet, humble, bashful messenger. He specifically wanted someone who didn’t think they were worthy. Moses’ self-doubt is what made him the ideal candidate to speak for God. God is telling the rest of us:  you must get on with your mission in life, despite your limitations, despite your self-doubts, despite all the problems that seem to be in the way. It is much easier to shrug off the task as beyond our capacities or to wish, as Moses did, that God would appoint someone else in our place. Each of us should apply to ourselves to Rabbi Tarfon’s famous challenge:  “You are not obliged to finish the task, but neither are you free to neglect it.”

The Talmud tells us that the seal of God is stamped with truth. One of the Ten Commandments is to not bear false witness, and there are prohibitions against being dishonest in business and generally misleading others. We tend to think that lying is bad and we advocate for honesty. Yet, if we are to examine the stories of our forefathers, particularly that of Jacob, lying seems to be a big part of the narrative.

In what is one of the most dramatic stories in the Torah, we will read about Jacob’s epic deception. As you know, he deceived his father, Isaac, disguising himself as his older brother Esau, and then stealing the blessing from Esau, despite the fact that Jacob was a spiritual giant and the paradigm of truthfulness. Indeed, the attribute of truth is most associated with Jacob, as stated, ” Give truth to Jacob.” Jacob is described in the Torah as an ish tam, a phrase which carries dual meanings of “lacking guile” and “uncompromising honesty.” 

At first glance, neither description seems appropriate. How can Jacob be described in this way when throughout his life, whenever he came in contact with crooked individuals, he consistently found a clever, non-straightforward way to defend himself from being swindled? As a result, he does not always come across as truthful, for at times he had to employ shrewdness to protect himself. The Torah bestows to those who study it unremittingly the insight to safeguard themselves from corrupt individuals who may try to take advantage of them. Their ability to defend themselves in this way does not contradict the Torah’s fundamental and uncompromising dedication to the absolute truth.

It seems that the pressing need for Jacob to receive the birthright and Isaac’s blessings overrode the general prohibition against deception. The question remains as to why did God arrange events so that Jacob would need to acquire these things through deceit, which would seem to this lessen the value of these blessings? As it turns out, there are instances where deception is permissible under extenuating circumstances.

With regard to the form of falsehood that is prohibited by the Torah, there is one specific circumstance in which one may be permitted to lie; when another person is trying to trick or lie to you then you may be allowed to deceive him. This leniency is derived from today’s parashah. The commentaries ask how it was permissible for Jacob to blatantly mislead Isaac in this way. They explain that Esau, himself, had spent his whole life deceiving Isaac, and that it was permissible to resort to falsehood in order to undermine the deceit that had been perpetrated. Lying to overcome a liar is not considered a transgression of the Torah’s command against falsehood.

But dishonesty and deception are serious crimes in Jewish law. The Torah explicitly demands that one should” distance himself from the false matter.” There are, however, situations in which Jewish law permits or even demands that one engage in deception.

A lie told for the purpose of keeping the peace is not included in the prohibition against falsehood. Since the ultimate goal of the lie is a positive one, it is permitted.

Other examples of permitted white lies include:

1. In order to practice humility; in order not to appear arrogant.

2. In order to maintain modesty.

3. In order to protect someone else from harm or inconvenience. 

4. In order to protect someone from embarrassment. An example of this is that one may say a bride is beautiful and gracious even if she isn’t particularly beautiful or gracious. 

5. In order to recoup losses that are owed from fraudulent business deals. Jacob employed this method to acquire his lawfully earned gains from his father-in-law, Laban, who kept changing the circumstances under which Jacob would be paid.

6. In order to protect one’s property from thieves.

Nonetheless, as a general rule, lying is wrong. Although, there are certain times when other values override the virtue of honesty, this kind of approach opens Pandora’s box. A subjective judgment about when it is acceptable and even appropriate to lie can be used improperly as an excuse to justify unethical behavior.

People lie all the time for a variety of reasons. Often people lie to avoid punishment, to gain advantage, or to protect someone’s feelings. But for others, lying seems to be a habitual part of conversation. Just how bad is the human penchant for lying? According to a 2002 study conducted at the University of Massachusetts, 60% of adults will lie at least once in the course of a 10-minute conversation. Even that number, which seems high, makes the situation sound better than it really is; among the 60% of people in the study who did lie, most told an average of 3 lies during their brief chat.

Now, I know you are sitting there right now thinking that you would be part of the 40% that didn’t lie. That’s what the liars in the study thought, too. When they watched their taped conversations, they were shocked at how many lies they had told. Another study, at the University of Virginia, found that people lie more often over the phone than face to face. Yet another study found that people lie more to strangers than to friends or family. Studies also show that while men and women lie equally, they tend to lie about different things. Men are more likely to lie about their achievements, while women are more likely to lie in order to protect someone’s feelings. Children start lying at the age of two and by age 4, 90% can lie convincingly. We lie to everyone. Parents bear the brunt of this tendency, according to the “Day America Told the Truth.” Eighty-six percent of us lie to our parents regularly. Seventy-five percent of us lie to our friends; 73% of us lie to our siblings, and 69% of us lie to our spouses.

In general, we lie about things that aren’t important, trivial things that we think will make us look better or seem more likeable. But sometimes we lie about things that matter. According to one estimate, 40% of people lie on their resumes. According to a study by Scientific American, a whopping 90% of people looking for a date on-line lied in their profile. While 10% of the lies we tell are a type of exaggerations, 60% of our lies are deceptive. And 70% of all liars claim to be willing to do it again..

From Parashat Toldot as well as other parshiot in the Torah we learn an important lesson: even our ancestors, chosen by God to create a world of justice and truth, had flaws and were deceitful. Torah does not seek to make them seem perfect, but exposes their sins so we may learn what constitutes poor character, as well as what is proper character.

On a very practical level, it is clear that when a person accustoms himself to speaking truthfully, people come to trust him, as the verse says: “a true tongue will be established forever.” On the other hand, one who is a habitual liar will not be trusted, as the verse continues: “but a lying tongue, just for a moment.” That is, his believability is short lived.

In conclusion, lying is a complex phenomenon that is influenced by many factors, such as personality traits, intelligence, and moral values. While some people lie more than others, lying is a universal human behavior that is unlikely to disappear anytime soon.

This discussion demonstrates that Jewish law does not take an absolutist approach to deception and, indeed, will obligate the individual to lie in various circumstances, for instance, lying to save a life or to bring peace or instances to achieve a greater good. This, by no means, makes light of the seriousness of lying. The Talmud is replete with statements that stress the importance of truth telling and remarks that “the Seal of God is Emet.”  Despite all this, the Talmud recognizes that there are situations where one might be untruthful.

Shabbat Shalom.

Rejection is something we all deal with at some time in our lives. An early example of rejection can be found in today’s parasha in the story of Cain and Abel. The two brothers gave their offerings to God. Cain, a farmer, brought produce he had grown and Abel, a shepherd, brought an offering from his flock. God looked with favor on Abel’s offering, but God did not look with favor on Cain’s offering. In other words, God rejected Cain’s offering of fruits and vegetables. Cain did not deal well with this rejection. He lured his brother Abel out into the field and killed him. Then Cain lied to God about the murder and God exiled Cain to be a wanderer.

Besides being tragic, this story teaches us some helpful things about rejection. Rejection brings up very strong emotions. “So, Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.” Anger and disappointment, as well as some envy, fueled Cane’s terrible actions later in the story when he killed his brother.

Cain was convinced of his superiority to Abel in all matters, material and spiritual; God’s rejection of his offering was totally unexpected. He was furious due to the perceived injustice of this rejection, but also depressed due to the deflation of his self-esteem.

Rejection causes us to question our identity. When God rejected Cain’s offering, Cain was not only angry and disappointed, but he was also unsure of who he was anymore. When we encounter rejection, we question who we are. Rejection hits us in our existential core. When God rejected Cain’s offering, it threw him for a loop. We all like predictability and certainty. We like to know how things will turn out. When we are rejected, as Cain was, we are thrown into uncertainty and confusion. And because of the rejection, we start to question everything we know, even things we were sure of before.

Close examination of Cain’s moral deterioration reveals a paradoxical phenomenon. What initially prevented Cain from coming to grips with his rejection was an exaggerated sense of his self-worth. His rejection eventually causes him feelings of dejection and totally negates his self-esteem. This ultimately leaves him feeling powerless both in the effort to overcome his negative emotions and to resist the sin “crouching at his door” so that he can be uplifted. Slaying Abel was an irrational act of despair, the result of Cain’s perceived inability to regain self-worth. A lack of self-worth plants the seeds for immorality.

Regardless of how smart, hardworking, or talented we are, every one of us faces rejection at one time or another. Whether it’s rejection by a teacher, a family member, a significant other, a friend, or possible employer, rejection happens. And when it does, it can range from a mild inconvenience to emotional and financial devastation. Rejection can damage and ruin our lives – if we let it. What matters is how we deal with it.

Left unresolved, rejection can lead to tragedy. Because Cain did not work through his emotions, uncertainty, and identity crisis, he ended up killing his brother.

That’s an extreme example, but when we don’t work through our own emotions after rejection, it can lead to some level of tragedy in our own lives. We can be angry and lash out at loved ones or feel as though we don’t matter anymore. We can start making bad decisions that have long lasting consequences for ourselves and for others around us. If someone’s primary concern is to reassert a sense of control, he or she may become aggressive as a way to force others to pay attention. Sadly, that can create a downward spiral. When people act aggressively, they are even less likely to gain social acceptance.

Rejection feels lousy. The emotional aftermath is called rejection trauma for a reason. The agony we feel is genuine. Yet for many years, few psychologists understood or recognized the impact of rejection. As researchers have dug deeper into the roots of rejection, they have found surprising evidence that the pain of being rejected is not so different from the pain of physical injury. Scientists have shown that there is little difference, neurologically speaking, between physical pain of injury and the emotional ache of rejection.  Whether you are experiencing hurt caused by rejection or cutting your finger, the same area of your brain activates when you’re processing this information. This can actually be seen on an MRI. Social rejection can influence emotion, cognition, and even physical health.

Beyond the physical sensation, rejection also strikes at our need for acceptance and belonging. Over time, the need to be included became hardwired in the human brain. When rejection happens, conditions don’t match with our evolutionary need for connection and community, causing anxiety and self-doubt.

C. Nathan DeWall, a psychologist, says that humans have a fundamental need to belong. Just as we have needs for food and water, we also have needs for positive and lasting relationships. Social rejection increases anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy and sadness. It reduces performance on difficult intellectual tasks and can also contribute to aggression and poor impulse control. In 2003, Leary and colleagues analyzed 15 cases of school shooters, and found all but two suffered from social rejection.

Coming to terms with rejection is a process, much like grieving a loss. The five phases of rejection are essentially the same as grieving a loss. First, there is denial. You think there must be some mistake. Next, is anger. Once you realize the rejection isn’t a misunderstanding, you begin to feel angry. Next is bargaining.  You think there was a faulty assumption or lack of information. You think that if you could just talk to that person, you would win them over. Next, is depression. On top of feeling angry and disappointed, you are sad, embarrassed, confused, hurt or all of the above. Your self-confidence takes a hit. You may begin questioning your self-worth. Finally, there is acceptance. Hopefully you are able to learn and grow from the experience.

Humankind Is endowed with moral autonomy, with freedom of choice. We can subdue our anger and even our sense of unfairness or we can be controlled by them.

Rejection can sometimes be a clue that you behaved badly, and you should change your ways. But frequently, we take rejection more personally than we should.

The narrative in this week’s parashah has universal relevance. For all individuals, there is a first time in our lives when we are confronted with rejection, as in the case with Cain. This is part of the human condition.

So, how should we deal with rejection? First, recognize that rejection is part of life. Next, accept what happened. Then, process your emotions. Treat yourself with compassion. Stay physically and mentally healthy. Don’t allow rejection to define you. Finally, grow from the experience.

Learning how to deal with rejection in a healthy fashion is a valuable life skill you can use in all facets of your life-personal, professional, and romantic.

Here is a final suggestion: Try to make rejection your friend. It can be a catalyst to rethinking and clarifying your goals and opening up your mind to new options.

In Parashat Shoftim, there is a section about the appointment and behavior of a king. It tells the Israelites that the king shall not be a foreigner, but one of their own people. This king must not have many horses, nor many wives, nor amass silver and gold for himself in excess, so that “his heart may not go astray.” The Torah says that the king is commanded to write for himself a second Torah scroll and carry it with him at all times. The idea behind this is that the king needs to maintain perspective. He should remember just where his power comes from and not make the mistake of thinking he is in control. He should read from it as long as he shall live, so that he will learn to fear God and not assume himself to be above his people or think he is permitted to turn aside from the commandments. In other words, he should remain humble. This conceptual shift regarding the nature of sovereignty is one of the genuine historical revolutions Judaism brought about. The notion that a king’s purpose was to serve God and to care for God’s people (rather than the other way around) was a radically new idea introduced by Judaism and later adopted by Christianity.

In the Jewish tradition, humility is considered among the greatest of the virtues; its opposites, pride and arrogance, are among the worst of the vices. Many great people are not very humble. But greatness and humility, in the Jewish tradition, are not incompatible. They complement one another. The greater the leader, the his/her humility is, because a humble person has no interest in his/her own honor, in power, or in self-aggrandizement. A great leader lives to serves those whom he or she leads.

Moses was the greatest leader the Jewish people ever had. Despite the fact that Moses was great in prophecy, Torah and wisdom, the trait that God found fit to mention in the Torah was his humility. Moses was very humble, more so than anyone on the face of the earth. That, the sages say, is the greatest and most genuine form of charisma. The question is: Was Moses great because he was humble, or was Moses humble because he was great?

J.P. Tangney, a professor of psychology at George Mason University, has identified six intrapersonal aspects of humility:

1. A willingness to see ourselves truthfully with an accurate understanding of our strengths and weaknesses.
2. An accurate perception of our place in the world
3. The ability to acknowledge our mistakes and limitations
4. The ability to keep an open mind
5. The ability to focus less on oneself
6. The ability to appreciate the value of all things.

We all tend to overestimate how much we know, how right we are, or how special we are. But what happens when we try to understand our own perspective and the opposing one? What might it be like if we were to acknowledge that perhaps we don’t know as much as we thought we did? Perhaps we might find ourselves changing our minds, being more flexible or open, and even more empathetic towards other people, their backgrounds, and their experiences.

Some think humility equates with low self-esteem. But this is not the case. To be humble does not mean to have a low opinion of yourself, but rather to have an accurate one—to put your accomplishments into perspective. You can also think of humility as knowing your strengths and talents yet understanding that you are only one of many people with those same strengths and talents.

Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks says humility means that you are secure enough not to need to be reassured by others. It means that you don’t feel you have to prove yourself by showing that you are cleverer, smarter, more gifted, or more successful than others. Indeed, you do not need to compare yourself to others at all. You have your task, they have theirs, and this leads you to cooperate rather than to compete. This type of attitude allows you not only to see yourself clearly, but to see other people clearly as well and to value them for who and what they are. When you are secure in yourself, you can value others. When you are confident in your own identity, you can value the people who are different from you. Humility is achieved by shifting one’s focus from inward to outwards. It is truly understanding that, “it’s not about you.”

This outward focus of a humble leader compels him/her to listen to those he/she leads in order to understand and appreciate them in all of their diversity. Doing so means that a leader not only has the confidence of those he/she leads, but is unafraid of entering into dialogue with those who disagree with his/her views or decisions. Since the humble leader’s primary focus is on serving his/her constituency with integrity, popularity is irrelevant to them.

On a personal level, this applies to us as well. If we approach our lives with humility, then living in accordance with what we believe to be right will be more important to us than what others think of us. The humble person is unmoved by social pressures and unconstrained by societal norms – especially if those norms are unethical or unjust.

Humility is not only an approach to life and leadership but is also a character strength. As such, it is an essential component of one’s moral character; it manifests through modesty and empathy; through acknowledging and respecting others on a very deep level; and by accurately understanding as well as owning one’s limitations.

As a character strength, humility can be viewed as the opposite of pride, arrogance, and an inflated sense of one’s importance and talents. It is based on a fundamentally caring and compassionate attitude toward others.

Humility is directly related to one’s ability and willingness to learn. Humble people are better learners and better problem solvers. Humble students who are generally open to feedback often develop greater skills which enable them to overtake their peers – who may be more naturally more talented but think so highly of their own abilities that they reject all advice.

I found several quotes about humility that I liked:

• “Humility isn’t denying your strengths; it’s being honest about your weaknesses.”
  • Rick Warren
• “Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right.”
  • Ezra T. Benson
• “Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It is thinking of yourself less.”
  • C.S. Lewis

Jim Collins, the founder of a management laboratory in Boulder, CO, writes in his book, Good to Great, that the most outstanding leaders are also the humblest. According to Collins’ research, the best leaders combine professional resolve with personal humility. They are often self-effacing, quiet, reserved, even shy – always privileging the institutions they serve over their egos.

Great leaders inspire loyalty and a strong team spirit. And what applies to leaders also applies to each of us as marriage partners, parents, fellow workers, members of the community and friends.

We can look to a local sports hero as an example.  Dirk Nowitsky, the greatest Dallas Maverick, was inducted into the basketball hall of fame last weekend. An article in the paper entitled, “Kudos for the Big Man with the Bigger Heart,” said:

“Beyond his on-court greatness, Dirk brought humility, compassion, and excellence to off-the-court activities. He amassed an off-court legacy of quietly giving of himself out of the spotlight—something truly unique for an elite athlete.  Even now Dirk seems to be more comfortable fitting in than standing out, a rare quality for someone whose adult life has been on a public stage.”

In his acceptance speech, Dirk credited his parents for teaching him humility.

In summary, humility is living with the understanding that we are simply doing our part by making a unique contribution to the world using the tools and strengths that God has given us. Each one of us has unique capabilities, so let’s respect ourselves and each other while working to remain humble.

After 40 years of journeying through the desert, the people of Israel arrive in the wilderness of Zin. After Miriam dies, there is no more water and the people become thirsty. God tells Moses to speak to a rock and command it to give water. Moses and Aaron gathered the assembly of people together in front of the rock, and Moses said to them, “Listen, you rebels! Must we bring you water out of this rock?” Then Moses raised his arm and struck the rock twice with his staff. Water gushed out, and the community and their livestock drank. But God said to Moses and Aaron, “Because you did not trust me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them.”

Why did this happen? Moses was a leader, and a leader must be a role model. The anger Moses expressed would be common for most people. However, for a person of Moses’ stature it was unacceptable. Aside from the anger itself, Moses’ tone at the rock set a poor example for this younger generation who looked up to him for guidance and for a moral example. That is why Moses was punished so heavily for a failure that might have been more lightly punished in some one less exalted. Maimonides said by losing his temper, Moses failed to respect the people and might have demoralized them. This one moment of anger was sufficient to deprive Moses of the reward of seeing the culmination of his work by leading the people across the Jordan and into the Promised Land. In letting his anger control him, Moses gained nothing but an expression of his bad temper; he lost his entire future.

Maimonides also said that we must avoid anger under any circumstance and must go to the opposite extreme. Even when anger is justified, we must avoid it. There may be times when it is necessary to look as if we are angry. But when we outwardly display anger, inwardly, we should be calm.

The Sages were outspoken in their critique of anger. They would have approved of the modern concept of anger management. They did not like anger at all and reserved some of their sharpest language to describe it. “The life of those who can’t control their anger is not a life”, said the Sages. Reish Lakish said, “When a person becomes angry, if he is a sage, his wisdom departs from him; if he is a prophet, his prophecy departs from him.”

Pirkei Avot asks the question: Who is strong? The answer given is that a strong person is one who can control himself or herself, is slow to anger, and is able to master his or her own spirit.

The Orchot Tzaddikim notes that anger destroys personal relationships. Short-tempered people scare others, so others avoid coming close to them. Anger drives out the positive emotions of forgiveness, compassion, empathy, and sensitivity. The result is an irascible person who ends up lonely, shunned, and disappointed.

Despite the above references, anger is usually a completely normal, healthy human emotion. However, when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems – problems at work, in one’s personal relationships, and in the overall quality of one’s life.

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often belligerent feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary for our survival.

However, if we are dealing with ongoing frustrations at work, the loss of someone close to us, financial worries, family issues, or other sources of tension, then instead of getting angry, it is better to address the deeper issue. Anger is dangerous in those circumstances because it causes us to lose control. While in the grip of a hot temper, we lose the ability to step back and evaluate the possible consequences of our action. The result is that in a moment of ire, we can do or say things we may regret for the rest of our lives.

Often, anger builds because we do not immediately address the problem. What might have begun as a very minor issue becomes a major one in our minds, ultimately causing us to explode in rage and act inappropriately. The best approach in the case of these minor issues that anger us is to try and address the situation as quickly and as constructively as possible, and then to let the anger go.

Another way to deal with anger might be the mental approach of cognitive restructuring. Simply put, this means changing the way we think about an event so as to change our feelings about it. When we are angry, our feelings can displace our rationality, which leads us to magnify our hurts and their causes, until our memory of the event becomes less factual and, occasionally, dramatically exaggerated. But, if we choose to do so, we can analyze the circumstances causing our anger logically, which can help us replace our instinctive, emotional reactions with more rational ones. We can do a reality check with others to see if our memories match the facts of the event; then we can evaluate whether our reactions were proportional to those facts. Logical analysis eventually will overcome our anger, because anger, even when it’s justified, quickly becomes irrational and difficult to uphold.

Once logic has had its say, how can we further manage our anger and avoid projecting our emotions onto others?

First, we can start by acknowledging our behavior and the need for a positive change. We need to be true to ourselves and to release any issues from the past so we can try to move forward anew with a fresh and positive outlook. Holding on to past anger and resentment prevents personal change and positive interactions from occurring in the future.

Next, we need to get tuned in to ourselves, so we are aware of our reactions and communication when speaking. If we are upset or feeling the escalation of emotions which precedes an aggressively angry reaction, we can give ourselves permission to step away from the situation to collect our thoughts so we can continue the conversation in a productive manner. Once our emotions are more under our control we can choose how best to proceed.

If those techniques don’t help, we can try relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or counting to 10 before speaking. Most important: when speaking with someone about a conflict or difficult issue, we need to do our best to express our feelings without being confrontational. We need to be aware of the triggers that might incite others’ anger as well as our own. We should do our best to minimize outside forms of stress, since stress often aggravates a person’s feelings of aggression and anger.

Angry people tend to jump to conclusions and to take actions based on those conclusions even though the assumptions they have made can be inaccurate. The first thing we need to do if we are in a heated discussion is to listen carefully to what the other person is saying and try to understand the other person’s perspective before answering. We need to slow ourselves down and think through our responses rather than saying the first thing that comes into our heads.

Above all, in learning to manage our own anger, we need to find reasons to feel good about ourselves and ways to value ourselves. We need to be compassionate with ourselves and to learn from our past difficulties rather than dwelling on them and allowing them to consume us and affect our self-esteem. After that, we will be able to use that same compassion in dealing with those who cause us anger.

Remember: We cannot eliminate our anger and it probably would not be a good idea to do so even if we could. In spite of all our efforts, things will happen in life that will provoke our anger. In some cases that anger will be entirely justifiable. Life inevitably includes frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. We can’t change that; but we can change the way we let such events affect us. Managing our angry responses in a productive fashion can prevent our anger from making us even more unhappy in the long run. The antidote to anger is patience.

Moses’ angry response to the Israelites’ complaints, and the consequences of that reaction in this week’s parsha, teaches us the importance of stepping away and putting some space between us and any pressurized situation we may be dealing with.

Living a moral Jewish life requires that we grapple with our anger but never let it win. The directive of Judaism in this case is simple: Either we defeat anger or anger will defeat us. Just ask Moses.

Nothing is more difficult than admitting a mistake, but nothing is more human than making one. There are several places where the Torah deals with making mistakes and the merit of admitting one’s mistakes. In our parsha, we learn of the sota, a wife who is suspected of adultery. When the sota is accused, she is encouraged to admit her mistake if she is guilty, and to accept a writ of divorce from her husband. If she denies her guilt then she is forced to drink the bitter waters to prove her innocence. If she is guilty, she will die; if she is innocent, she will be cleared of all suspicion. The law of sota teaches an important lesson. We often rationalize our own mistaken and misguided behaviors instead of facing our flaws and mistakes. The law of sota highlights the importance of admitting one’s wrongdoing in order to move forward and engage in the rehabilitative process of repentance. Without the ability to admit our own wrongdoing, we risk losing the hope of being able to move on.

Immediately following its description of the ordeal of the sota, the Torah addresses the vow of the nazir, or Nazarite. This is a voluntary vow that any individual can take upon him or herself. The vow requires the person to avoid wine or any grape product, to refrain from cutting his or her hair, and to avoid all contact with the dead for a fixed period of time. Why do the laws of nazir follow the laws of the sota? Rashi comments that: “Whoever sees an adulteress in her disgrace should vow to abstain from wine, for it leads to adultery.” One should learn from the experience of seeing another person, the suspected adulteress, make a mistake by committing oneself not to make the same mistake through taking the vows of a nazir.

The ordering of the laws for the sota and the nazir in this week’s Torah portion teaches us that we can learn from others’ mistakes and through the safeguards of our Torah. We do not need to suffer through devastating consequences in order to learn to live differently.

The effect of the prayers we say on Yom Kippur and other times during the year is to create a culture in which people are not ashamed or embarrassed to say, “I got it wrong, I sinned, I made mistakes.” However, the inclination to admit mistakes is anything but widespread. Our instinct is to rationalize. We justify. We deny. We blame others. We have almost an infinite capacity for interpreting the facts to vindicate ourselves.

Maimonides teaches us that true teshuvah, true repentance, occurs when we find ourselves in the same situation and we don’t make the same mistake. But he doesn’t tell us that true repentance means we won’t make any mistakes anymore. Mistakes and failures can happen even when we do our best.

Conventional wisdom tells us that mistakes are valuable teachers. They are how we grow and gain a better understanding of our world. They teach us how to behave. They enable us to teach others what we have learned. “I made a mistake” are four words nobody ever wants to utter. But mistakes are a natural part of human growth and development.

Recognizing that no individual is flawless, it becomes critical for each person to be willing to examine him or herself, to improve, and to learn in order to become better than before. And one of the key ways in which we learn is through making mistakes. When we make a mistake, we receive feedback from our environment that lets us know that we have done something wrong. This feedback is essential for our learning and development. If we did not receive this feedback, we would not be able to improve our behavior and would continue making the same mistakes over and over.

We know it is important to learn from our mistakes, but this is not always easy to do. We often find it difficult to let go of our old ways of doing things, even when we know that they are not working for us. Some of us also might feel as though admitting our mistakes makes us look weak. Our resistance to change can be a major obstacle to our learning and growth.

But admitting to and correcting your mistakes does not make you look weak; it actually makes you look stronger. When you admit mistakes, you establish a culture of open communication and demonstrate your willingness to improve. You set an example for others with your attitude that acknowledging our mistakes teaches us to do better in the future.

Mistakes teach us about who we are. Messing things up is a crucial part of gaining information about ourselves and our lives. It can free us up to pursue our goals. Theodore Roosevelt said, “The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything.” While the fear of failure can often prevent us from trying new things, accepting mistakes as part of life can have the opposite effect—freeing us up to pursue our goals without limitation.  It can help us clarify our priorities.

Mistakes are perfectly normal parts of the experience of life. Time and time again, we are told that our mistakes don’t define us, however, some people feel differently. Although we are not our mistakes, there is a way our mistakes do define us, because of the impact they have on us. The specific mistake we make is not as important as what we get from that mistake. Mistakes define us because, if we cannot make up for the mistakes we have made, we are at least supposed to learn from them. Thomas Edison said: “I have not failed 1,000 times to make a light bulb. I have successfully discovered 1,000 ways not to make a light bulb.”

And, some mistakes can have unexpected, positive outcomes. For example, in 1928, Alexander Fleming left a Petri dish out on a lab table which became contaminated with a particular mold; this mistake led to the discovery of penicillin. 

Everyone makes a mistake once in a while. It is natural to try and run from mistakes, cut losses, hope nobody notices or makes a fuss, and then move on. In reality, our mistakes are precious opportunities. They give us insight into life and ourselves and allow us to become stronger by learning to avoid the same pitfalls in the future. In this week’s parasha, we learn about the comeback process after making a big mistake. Mistakes are a built-in feature of life. And they happen for a very good reason. When they do happen, there is an acknowledgement of the error and a process of improvement. Life is a journey of growth and development, and we can only grow if we know where we are deficient. A mistake supplies that piece of the puzzle. Our mistakes teach us what not to do in the future and show us character traits we can improve.

Our mistakes take us to where we need to be. They were meant to happen, and mistakes will happen again and again. Just look back and be thankful for the lessons you learned because of them. They gave you character and molded you to become a better person. You need to make mistakes to encourage and inspire you.

I found an anonymous quote: “Remember that life’s greatest lessons are usually learned at the worst times and from the worst mistakes.” In New York City, you can find the Museum of Failure. It documents 150 failures such as New Coke, Crystal Pepsi, the Edsel and DeLorean, Sony Betamax, Potato chips with Olestra and many more examples. Statements you see in the museum include: “If we don’t have failure, we don’t have innovation,” and “No progress without failure.”

In summary, learning from our mistakes is essential for both our personal and professional development. It allows us to avoid repeating the same mistakes, grow as individuals, and become more productive members of society. Mistakes are proof that you are trying. Mistakes have the power to turn you into something better than you were before.

So, here’s to your next mistake.