Life is filled with challenges and difficulties in getting along with others — family, friends, fellow workers. How can one successfully defuse a situation and find a creative solution?

Often a first reaction is: “He can’t do that to me. It’s not right. He should do the right thing!” We first look to blame others. There is an old Jewish proverb: The Almighty gave us two eyes — one a telescope to see the faults of others from afar; the second, a microscope to see our own faults.

Rule #1: Determine the reality of the situation. Am I at fault in any way? Why is G-d doing this to me? What am I supposed to do to pass this test and to learn from this? These questions put the situation in perspective and soften the emotions.

Too often people initially seek justice and righteousness (and too often, self-righteousness!) — which often means seeking revenge. Instead of sweet and fulfilling, it ends badly and is destructive for everyone. There is an old adage, “He who seeks revenge should dig two graves.” If you want misery in life, seek justice and fairness.

Luckily for us, the Torah commands us, “You shall not take revenge nor bear a grudge against the children of your people” (Leviticus 19:18). Not only is revenge a bad idea, it’s forbidden! Pirke Avos, Ethics of the Fathers, teaches “Who is mighty? He who subdues his passions, as it is written (Proverbs 16:32) ‘One who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and one whose temper is controlled than one who captures a city’ “.

Rule #2: Look at the possible solutions and their outcomes. This is where one sees that all of those “solutions” that seem so “sweet” may actually end in bodily harm and/or jail! Be creative to find a win-win answer. Success is measured by looking at the results of your actions.

Here’s a real-life example: A neighbor in the apartment building has an air conditioner drainage hose dripping from her balcony to the parking spot below — onto your car! You have politely asked her to remember to move the hose, but she has forgotten and your car is being covered in a slurry mess as the water mixes with the dust to make your car look like modern art. How would you feel? What would you think? What would you like to do? Yell at her? Scream? Call the police? Write a letter to the condo board?

One guy had this problem. What did he do? He brought her flowers! She was completely baffled. “Why are you giving me flowers?” The man softly said, “You’re a good neighbor…. and I really appreciate your efforts to keep your air conditioner hose from draining on my car.” She thanked him and shut the door a bit confused. However, never again did she forget to move the hose. It is very difficult to get angry at someone who brings you a gift.

About 10 years ago, I lost my job of 21 years. At the time, I was the sole earner for my family, still had 2 kids in school, not yet college, and it was a terrifying time. It was nothing personal, rather the result of a layoff due to shrinkage in my industry and changes in media habits.  I intentionally sought to find work outside of media, and took a position working for a hospice. It was a disastrous fit for me and I was fired after a miserable 2 short months.

One ray of sunshine from that experience was a friendship I made with a chaplain who gave me some very helpful reading. One such book is The Power of Kindness by Piero Ferrucci. Subtitled, The Unexpected Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life. Ferrucci, a psychologist, argues that it is kindness that will not only lead to our own individual happiness and the happiness of those around us, but will guide us in a world that has become cold, anxious, difficult and frightening. Ferrucci reveals that the kindest people are the most likely to thrive, to enable others to thrive and to slowly but steadily turn our world away from violence, self-centeredness, and narcissism – and toward love.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama says this in the book’s forward – We were not born for the purpose of causing trouble and harming others. For our life to be of value, as Piero Ferrucci amply demonstrates, we need to foster and nurture such basic good human qualities as warmth, kindness and compassion. If we can do that, our lives will become more meaningful, happier and more peaceful; we will make a positive contribution to the world around us.

Sometimes a problem can be dealt with by a mental reframe — looking at it from a different direction. If you’re like me, you might be very sensitive and even turned off by horn honking on the road. It can be disturbing.

However, one person’s perspective, put the honking in a different light. “It’s a cultural difference. When the person behind you is honking, he might be saying, ‘Good morning, my friend. I hope you slept well. Just in case you are feeling a little drowsy, I want you to know that the light is about to change so you won’t miss it and be late to where you are going. Have a wonderful day!’ “Driving has been oh so more pleasant since that person realized that’s what the honking really could mean.

Another example – One recent morning, while in the gym, I noticed that 1 of the 2 elliptical machines had been removed. Since this tends to be the most popular item in the gym, I instantly started wondering if they had plans to replace it, once it had been repaired, and then felt perturbed, thinking they’d use this as a an opportunity to cut services.

When neighbor arrived for his workout, I pointed out the missing elliptical that he typically used. He told me the reason it was removed was for residents’ safety, so that we can work out more distantly from one another. Oh. It was for my benefit, not to my detriment, as I had assumed.

All the same facts, just different conclusions. It’s all a matter of perspective. Same input, but different results. The stuff of human misunderstandings.

The purpose of life is not to be comfortable. G-d did not put us in this world so that we can cruise through with all of the comforts of life, no pain, no challenges and then to die peacefully on the beach with concierge servce. G-d placed us in this world to face challenges, to perfect our character and to grow spiritually. That’s why life is filled with challenges. It is our choice whether to view the challenges as obstacles or stepping stones!

Shabbat Shalom

Parashat Re’eh teaches us: If we obey God’s commandments, we shall be blessed; if we choose disobedience, we shall be cursed. Laws specify that our people must observe – be wary of false prophets, not consume the blood of animals that are slaughtered.  A lot of rules. But, being the eternal optimist that I am, I prefer to focus on the following: Parashat Re’eh tells us to “rejoice before the Eternal our God.” (Deut. 12:12)

It sounds easy and simple, so possible, but often worry simply gets in our way.  In reality, we have enough reasons to let worry consume our lives. We oftentimes are  disappointed by momentary glitches among our interactions with others. Trivial things can bog us down, along life’s larger issues: aging, health concerns, fears of our mortality, the threat of violence, praying for the welfare of the people we love. It can be easy to be worried or anxious, even about situations that have not even happened. We might feel vulnerable and that can interfere with being able to rejoice.

We recently have found ourselves in an unprecedented time – COVID19 and the incredible losses that some are experiencing around us. Some have lost loved ones, or you might know someone that has had such a loss. Some have lost jobs, or know someone who has. We might be lonely, bored, stifled from being able to move about as we please, go where we want to go, see who we want to see. For those that are economically challenged, it can be easy to focus on when that fear of not enough will abate. It can feel that life will never be what it was before, making it difficult to see the many blessings that do exist in our lives. Perhaps someone you know is having a hard time seeing that there truly is joy in our lives.

In Rabbi Artson’s words, “For the spiritually alive, life is a constant marvel. Without having asked to live, without doing anything to deserve the gifts of life, companionship, and joy, we are offered these gifts in an abundance that is staggering. Judaism helps restore our thanks for everything we receive so effortlessly. Serving God implies the capacity to feel gratitude, a response of joy to the many wonders of living.” We must go forward, taking it one day at a time, living life to its fullest, with gratitude and recognition for the blessings we have.

Each of us, given the space and time to reflect, has the ability to create a list of “miracles,” even when we have suffered loss. When we pay attention, the ‘ordinary’ becomes extraordinary and our sense of joy, if we are able to allow it, can take our breath away:

1. For the miracle of the close ties of friendship. Friends can spend their lifetimes getting to know each other as people, growing to accept, appreciate, and love each other as independent human beings. I have interacted with my friends nearly as much during lockdown as I did prior to being quarantined. It’s just been in a different format – virtually. Because of lockdown, I’ve personally reached out to friends that I otherwise wouldn’t have and often hear others say the same thing – they are reconnecting with college friends or distant family members that they hadn’t connected with in years. This isn’t social distancing, it’s only physical distancing. I will continue to enjoy these interactions and will make an effort to continue even when quarantine is over. It’s a blessing to be thankful for.
2. For the miracle of being able to build and celebrate community – the joy of connecting with each other on Shabbat – whether in person or online. I’m so grateful for this opportunity, that we have the technology to connect with each other and can feel friendship and support. I experience it when we pray together, when we do mitzvahs together, and when we eat together – I do miss that. You have become my “extended family” and I feel the blessing of community.
3. For the miracle of being able to make this world a little better, a little more caring, a little more humane than it was when we entered it. Thank you to Brenda and Michelle for organizing the communal effort on the masks. I’ve enjoyed participating in that. To be honest, that opportunity couldn’t have come at a better time for me – when I needed to be busy as I transition into life as a single person for the first time in nearly 30 years. I am inspired by the generosity and warmth of the Kehillah.
4. For the miracle – perhaps the greatest one of all – of simply being: having an opportunity to think, feel, experience, and wonder. Most of the time we take things for granted. At times, we rush around and fill our days with busyness when we might not need to. I sense that now, more than ever before. At rare moments in our lives – we have the chance to pause– we see the marvel of life, we slow down, maybe rest a bit more, maybe learn a bit more about ourselves and others and can realign our priorities. And I hope that all of us are aware of how important it is to appreciate the gift of a pause, savor the changes you might have made because of it and consider keeping that in your agenda once things return to “normal” and not default back into over scheduled activity.

Our tradition bids us to cultivate awareness, mindfulness, and beyond mindfulness, a thrill at being alive. Indeed, enjoying life is a way to say “thank You.” Let us also be reminded that Judaism calls upon us to remember those who cannot rejoice without our help. In the words of the Rambam, “the Torah sensitizes us to assure the joy of the powerless, the poor, and the stranger.” Reaching beyond the boundaries of self and embracing others as well, cultivating meaningful connections with our families, our communities, our people, and with God, we can attain a true joy.

One of the ways we can channel joy is through gratitude. I’m reading A.J. Jacobs’ Thanks A Thousand, A Gratitude Journey. This was a gift to me, from my son, which he gave to me during a time when I was not feeling very grateful and needed a boost in that direction. The idea of the book is deceptively simple: the author would thank every single person involved in producing his morning cup of coffee. The resulting journey takes him across the globe and reveals secrets about how gratitude can change us all. Jacobs instructs the reader to focus on the hundreds of things that go right every day instead of the few that go wrong. Gratitude improves compassion, heals your body and helps battle depression. It can make our lives happier, kinder and more meaningful.

May each of us recognize our blessings, do our best. As Alan Morinis, founder of the Mussar Institute, teaches, to “weave thankfulness deeply into the very fabric of our being,” every day, and then we will truly be able to rejoice before G-d. Shabbat Shalom.