The book of Genesis ends in parshah Vayechi with three significant scenes. First, Jacob blesses his grandsons, Efraim and Menashe. Second, Jacob blesses his 12 sons. Third, after the death of Jacob, the brothers asked Joseph to forgive them for selling him into slavery, which he does. Evidently, the brothers harbor the suspicion that Joseph was merely biding his time until their father died. It seems to have been the principle in those days that sons did not take revenge within the family while the father is alive.

Joseph chooses to tell a different version of past events, minimizing his brothers’ malice while instead focusing on the beneficial final outcome. Joseph speaks directly to their fears and puts them at rest. He says:” You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good.” He promises them that he will look after their needs. It is clear Joseph wants to move on from the issue and has managed to reinterpret and rationalize prior events.

When Joseph speaks to his brothers, this is a crucial moment in the history of faith. It marks the birth of forgiveness, the first recorded moment at which one person forgives another for the wrong they have suffered, although the word forgiveness is not used. But Joseph makes it clear that he forgives all thoughts of revenge.

Note what had to happen for forgiveness to be born. Joseph engages in an elaborate plan, hiding his identity, to make sure his brothers were capable of remorse and atonement. He finds they know they have done wrong. They acknowledged their guilt and asked for forgiveness. There is also change in Joseph. He has reframed his life, so that the entire story of his relationship with his brothers has now become secondary to the drama of Divine Providence which is still unfolding.

Joseph demonstrates that he has learned the power of peace and forgiveness. He is gaining the ability to look back on past events in the light of new insights and experiences, seeing past his own hurt to grasp the bigger picture. He doesn’t deny his own pain, but it no longer controls him. Therefore, he is now able to fully connect with his family whom he still deeply loves, despite the immense pain they caused.

James Q Wilson, a Harvard political scientist, said the family is” an arena in which conflicts occur and must be managed.” People within the family “love and quarrel, share and sulk, please and disappoint.” Families, he says,” are the world in which we shape and manage our emotions.”

The Torah is giving us a message here: family is always the priority. Family is more important than everything else- the land, the nation, politics, economics, the pursuit of power and the accumulation of wealth.

In an essay, Rabbi Moshe Becker notes that we have all been offended at one time or another by the words or actions of a family member. Parents, children, spouses and siblings do end up hurting each other, willfully or unintentionally. It is never too early to begin to forgive. By taking ourselves less seriously, it becomes easier to forgive another. When it comes to the family, the ability to forgive is crucial. Family is permanent and having the strength to forgive is rewarding for all.

The need to forgive and, if possible, forget it is vitally important. Calmly confront wrongdoers and explain what they have done as a step towards reconciliation, not increased hostility. Parents easily forgive their children for their slips given intentionally or by accident. How parents treat their extended family members also gives important messages. Parental modeling of forgiveness is an important learning tool for children. Forgiveness is an ability that is within our power, especially in family situations.

Whether it’s a simple spat with your spouse or a long-held resentment toward a family member or friend, unresolved conflict can go deeper than you may realize. It may be affecting your physical health.

In an article by a physician named Karen Swartz, she says:” there is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed. Forgiveness helps calm stress levels, leading to improved health.”

Forgiveness is not just about saying the words. Swartz says” It is an active process in which you make a conscious decision to let go of negative feelings whether the person deserves it or not”. As you release the anger, resentment and hostility, you begin to feel empathy, compassion and sometimes even affection for the person who wronged you. Swartz continues:” Forgiveness is a choice. You are choosing to offer compassion and empathy to a person who has wronged you.”

Forgiveness is an essential thing to do for your own well-being and for your future health and sanity. Here are some reasons why being able to forgive frees you so you can move on with your life. First, when you forgive someone, you forgive yourself. When you forgive yourself, you allow resentment and hurt to be replaced by healing. Second, forgiving gets you out of the victim mode. It breaks the bonds that tie you negatively to another person. You can forgive while not forgetting. You may forgive someone and never choose to see that person again. Third, forgiveness frees you. It allows you to take your power back. You are no longer chained to an entity that saps your energy and takes the life out of you. Next, as mentioned, practicing forgiveness can have powerful health benefits. Observational studies, and even some randomized trials, suggest that forgiveness is associated with lower levels of depression, anxiety, and hostility, reduced substance abuse, higher self-esteem, and greater life satisfaction. But forgiving people is not always easy. Finally, as with Joseph, forgiving helps you move forward on your spiritual path. Forgiveness encourages compassion. Forgiveness is an act of kindness and goodness. It is a path to peace.

To quote John Q Wilson again:” we learn to cope with the people of this world because we learn to cope with the members of our family.”

According to Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, that, surprisingly, is what Genesis is all about. Not about the creation of the world, which occupies only one chapter, but about how to handle family conflict. The book of Genesis is, in essence, a big, messy story about family. As soon as Abraham’s descendants can create strong families, they can move from Genesis to Exodus and their birth as a nation.

In summary, this week’s Torah portion is a very clear message on the importance of family forgiveness. Joseph forgives all his brothers for their malicious act, realizing that he and his brothers share a common identity and future that should not be jeopardized by grudges, even if they seem justified. Jacob also forgives all his sons for their cruel deception. This is a powerful Torah story with a very relevant message for life today. In Judaism, when we do wrong, as we all do, there is a way forward: to confess, express remorse, atone, make amends and change.

This week’s torah portion begins: “Atem nitzavim hayom kulchem” which means: “You stand this day, all of you.” Moses is speaking to the Israelite community one last time before they enter the Promised Land and before he dies.

Moses prepares the Israelites to enter the covenant with God. He tells them that God’s covenant belongs to every member of the community regardless of age, gender, or social station.  It includes the pious and faithful as well as the rebellious and confused. Its expansiveness extends even to include the countless generations yet to come. He is holding every member of the community accountable for their actions.

God redeemed the children of Israel from the horrors of ancient Egyptian slavery, cared for them throughout their sojourns in the desert, and gave them a system of ethical and ritual laws to sustain them as a community in a difficult ancient world. It is essential that the community live according to the covenant established for them.

Though Moses names every class and subgroup within the community, he simultaneously invites his audience to let go of the labels and the social segregation they represent. Moses encounters people with little personal experience of being together as more than a community of convenience. Moses gathers this new generation, bids them to look around at everyone else, and feel a shared commitment to the covenant. Moses’ strategy is to make them feel connected to each other as they attach their minds to a universal covenant.

One of the best ways of turning a diverse, disconnected group into a team is to get them to build something together. Hence, the  Mishkan. The best way of strengthening relationships is to set aside dedicated time when we focus not on the pursuit of individual self-interest but on the things we share, such as praying together, studying Torah together, and celebrating together – in other words, Shabbat. So, Shabbat and the Mishkan were the two great community-building experiences of the Israelites in the desert.

Jewish life revolves around two institutions: the home and the community. Each is endowed with unique meaning, and between these two-private and public spaces-education, ritual, and everyday life takes place.

A community is a group of individuals connected to each other by one or more attributes. Just as denoted by the root and suffix of the word, common – unity, a certain segment of the population is united by a familiar thread. Establishing a community is a way to bring people together to educate and support each other. It consists of a group of people with common and shared interests.  As human beings, we need a sense of belonging, and  that sense of belonging is what connects us to the many relationships we develop. Unity is where we find comfort in difficult times.

While most people need to be part of a community for life’s necessities, many people want to be part of a community because there is something very fulfilling about being part of a group of people who share something more substantial than geographical location. It makes individuals seem less lonely. A community is a safe place.

According to Harvard health, community involvement leads to a reduction in stress and also greater life satisfaction.

Jewish families cannot live in isolation. To live a full Jewish life requires engagement with other Jews, a Jewish community, a kehilla. The community provides services and experiences that the home cannot, and in addition, fellowship and participation in community have inherent spiritual value in Judaism.

The Talmudic pronouncement expressing the unity of Jews, “Kol Yisrael arevim zeh bazeh” is usually translated as” all of Israel is responsible for one another.” This is what community is about- taking care of each other.

Rabbi Jill Jacobs says that it is no accident the Jewish people call themselves “Am Yisrael”-the people of Israel. A sense of peoplehood has long been a defining characteristic of the Jews. On an everyday level, this focus on peoplehood is translated into an emphasis on community as a primary organizing structure of Jewish life. Wherever Jews have lived, they have built synagogues, established communal organizations, and created systems of communal governance. In order to be a suitable place to live, a community must provide for all members’ spiritual and physical needs. In contemporary times, Jewish communities have sprung up around other types of institutions, including Jewish Community Centers, schools, camps, local Federations, and Jewish non-profit organizations. In all these cases, a building or organization serves as an initial point for a group of people who then begin caring for each other and taking care of one another’s needs.

Throughout the Torah, community is a value which is held with highest of importance. Historically, this was because if you were not connected to an identifying community, you were quite literally lost. But as our modern age continues to advance at warp speed, young people, in particular, are becoming distanced from community and getting lost in a sea of digital pseudo-connection.

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks says that religion creates community, community creates altruism, and altruism turns us away from self and towards the common good.

Judaism is of its essence a collective endeavor, and as a result it is deeply communal in its spirituality.   Jewish teachings emphasize the open house, the extended family, and welcoming the stranger.

Though the precise structure of Jewish communities has changed according to place, time and current interest, membership in a Jewish community has always demanded a sense of shared destiny, manifested in the obligation to care for other members of the community, as well as the joy of partaking in other’s celebrations.

By magnifying our strengths in the community, we can build a stronger, more powerful and effective congregation. Why do we need a more productive Kehilla? There are things that we can do in a community that cannot be done as individuals. We must take responsibility for speaking up for others in need. It takes us one step closer to perfection as a congregation and Jewish community.

If we had to choose only one Torah portion to summarize the entire Torah, which would it be? We could make arguments in favor of the various portions, but we would have to consider Parashah Vaetchanan as a strong contender. In this week’s parashah, we find a compilation of the Torah’s “greatest hits,” both in law and narrative. It opens with Moses’ pleading unsuccessfully with God one more time about entering the promised land. This is followed by Moses’ reminder to the Israelites that they were an unruly bunch, grumbling and complaining along the way as they wandered through the wilderness. He tells them that they should be prepared for an imminent change of leadership as they prepare to enter the Promised Land. And he warns them to pay careful attention to the laws and rules that he has given to them and that they should not add anything or subtract anything from them because all of this teaching comes from the covenant made with God. We find a restatement of the 10 Commandments. We read the words of the Shema and V’ahavta – verses stating our belief in God’s unique oneness and instructing us how to love God by teaching the Torah to our children. The people are reminded to recall their redemption from slavery in the land of Egypt and are warned against turning to idols.

Moses warns them that when they have children and grandchildren and have been in the Promised Land for a long time, they will grow corrupt and do evil in the eyes of God. He tells them they will anger God. They will not endure long in the land but will be entirely be wiped out. God will scatter them among the nations, and they will be left few in number among the nations to which God will lead them. There, they will serve man-made gods. Then, in the distress that they will endure, they will return to God and listen to God’s voice. God will not forget the covenant he made with their forefathers.

Throughout Deuteronomy, Moses reaches a new level of authority and wisdom. For the first time we hear him speak extensively in his own voice, rather than merely as the transmitter of God’s words to him. His grasp of vision and detail is faultless. He wants the people to understand that the laws God has commanded them, are for their good, not just God’s.

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks points out that over and above what Moses said in the last months of his life is what Moses did. He changed careers. He shifted his relationship with the people of Israel. No longer was he Moses the liberator, the lawgiver, the worker of miracles, the intermediary between the Israelites and God. He became Moshe Rabbeinu, Moses, our teacher. He wanted to explain, expound, and make clear. He wanted the people to understand that Judaism is not a religion of mysteries which are intelligible only to a few. It is for the “inheritance of the entire congregation of Jacob.”

At this defining moment of his life, Moses understood that, although he would not be physically with the people when they entered the promised land, he could still be with them intellectually and emotionally if he gave them the teachings to take with them into the future. Moses became a pioneer of perhaps the single greatest contribution of Judaism to the concept of leadership: the idea of a teacher as hero.

Heroes are people who demonstrate courage in the field of battle. What Moses knew was that the most important battles are not military. They are spiritual, moral, cultural. A military victory shifts the pieces on a chessboard of history. A spiritual victory changes lives. A military victory is almost always short-lived. But spiritual victories can – if their lesson is not forgotten – last forever.

Not only does Moses become a teacher but he tells the entire people that they must become a nation of educators.

But the text acknowledges that it is not so easy to teach the Israelites in an effective and enduring way. Moses constantly calls for the Israelites attention –” listen! “- Shema-just like a teacher trying to call an unruly class to order. He seems anxious that what he is saying will go in one ear and out the other, or so he suggests by repeatedly encouraging Israel not to forget. Between the lines, there is frustration recognizable to anyone who knows what it is like to try and teach students who are incorrigible and do not want to learn what we want them to learn. Moses’ complaint about the people can be described in modern terms as” student resistance”, which is the refusal of students to learn what their teachers try to offer them. Sometime students will be overtly defiant, directly challenging the teacher’s authority, but often such resistance is passive or indirect – students will simply disengage or dropout. Teaching is supposed to be for their benefit, and yet in a confounding way, students often reject it.

Why do students sit in the back of the room and read and send text messages when their presence in a college classroom is supposedly of their own volition? Why don’t they read more? The answers to these questions are not straightforward. The students themselves – their background, their feelings, their interactions among themselves – are part of the answer, but so too is the performance of the teacher.

Our tradition remembers Moses as our teacher. The goal of the teacher is to struggle or grapple with the most effective way to leave an impression on one’s students. The teachers who make the largest impressions on one’s life challenge their thinking and their beliefs and push them to thinking critically out-of-the-box yet remain guiding and encouraging during the process. It was not just the material these teachers conveyed but the teachers, themselves, who made the impressions. Students have different types of intelligences, and successful teachers can instruct so the material resonates for all students.

A good teacher knows what to say to a weak student who, through great effort, has been better than expected, and to a gifted student who is at the top of the class but is still performing below his or her potential. The people who have had a decisive influence on our lives are almost always those we feel understood us in our own individuality. We were not, for them, a mere face in the crowd.

In an article by Rabbi Lazer Gurkov, he suggests that the teachers who had the most impact on him were the ones who showed the most kindness. Although you would think that if a teacher’s role is to teach, the most erudite scholar would have been the most memorable teacher. But that is not the case. The teachers who taught him the most were those who he was most willing to learn from. And those were the teachers who showed kindness. The erudite teacher will explain much but teach little.

Teachers shape society, handing the legacy of the past to those who build the future. That insight sustained Judaism for longer than any civilization and began with Moses in the last month of his life.

Despite Deuteronomy’s pessimism, its educational goals have been succeeded, beyond the author’s expectation. Students are still learning Torah thousands of years later. Understanding how this feat was accomplished requires studying the interaction of untold numbers of Torah teachers and not always compliant pupils. And the beginning of the story lies with Moses, the first in Jewish tradition to deal with how to teach students who resist being taught.

Parsha Chukat is about mortality. After describing the confusing purification rite of the Red Heifer, we skip ahead 38 years. We are hit with three successive tragedies: Miriam dies, Moses is given a death sentence and is banned from the Promised Land and Aaron dies. We are told virtually nothing regarding the death of Miriam. Our tradition says she was a prophet in her own right. The midrash gives her standing and power as she is the source of the life-giving water that sustains the Israelites for their long journey the desert. But the Torah text dispenses with her in just six words, in the last third of the first sentence of Chapter 20 – “Miriam died and was buried there.” Six Hebrew words. When Miriam dies, the story immediately continues. There is no account of the people mourning for her.  Not even Moses or Aaron stops to mourn.  By contrast, seven verses are allocated to the death of Aaron, and there is a 30-day period of national mourning. We know that right after Miriam’s death, the Israelites show remarkable insensitivity, complaining to Moses and Aaron about the lack of water. Not mourning Miriam was a mistake. It probably contributed to Moses striking the rock.

Although the Bible preserves only a few direct references to Miriam, her importance to the Israelites’ story shines through even this leanest of biographical sketches. We know that Miriam saved her brother when he was in the wicker basket drifting down the Nile River. She had the courage and the ingenuity to approach Pharaoh’s daughter on Moses’ behalf. Miriam persuaded her father to annul his decree that the husbands should divorce their wives and have no more children which led to the birth of Moses and other Jewish children. The midrash implies that this six-year-old girl had more faith and wisdom than her father who was the leading Rabbi of the generation.

We remember Miriam for several other reasons. First, as mentioned, she is called a prophet, although prophetic teachings are not recorded. Second, she sings and leads the women in song to God following the people’s safe passage across the Red Sea. Third, she and Aaron speak out against Moses’ wife and his authority. Fourth, because of speaking out, she is sent out of the camp when she is stricken with a skin disease.  It is telling that the Israelites refused to move on until she returns.  The time outside the camp verifies her cleanliness but does not restore her to wholeness. Miriam remained a condemned woman. After her punishment, she never speaks, nor is she spoken to. She disappears altogether from the narrative until the announcement of her death and burial at Kadesh. These few references to Miriam are but clues to the larger story of her life and its importance.

As the Jews wandered through the wilderness, lacking adequate water would have been fatal.  However, the power of Miriam’s integrity, piety, and caring was such that God provided a moving well of water to follow the people through their wanderings until the moment of her death. Without Miriam, there was no more water. 

On the face of it, the first and subsequent sections of the parshah do not seem connected. However, if we examine the actual context in which Miriam’s death is reported, we noticed something very interesting: the verses immediately preceding Miriam’s demise are the ones that introduced the mysterious laws of the Red Heifer which is the ritual purification rite one must undergo after coming into contact with a dead person. This purification ritual requires copious amounts of water – water to spray on the liquefied ashes, water to launder the clothing of the one undergoing purification and, water for ritual immersion. The first words after Miriam’s burial are: the congregation had no water; so, they assembled against Moses and Aaron.

In an article by JJ Gross, he suggests that the children of Israel mourned Miriam greatly, perhaps even more than they would subsequently mourn her brother Aaron. So great was their grief that everyone became ritually impure by touching her coffin. Suddenly there was an urgent need for a great mass of water to purify all those who had come into proximity with Miriam’s corpse. Hence, we are told” the congregation had no water”, not that it had no water to drink. All the water they had was insufficient for the ritual purification needed by such a mass of people. The sudden shortage left no water for drinking as well. Thus, Gross says, we can understand from the context that Miriam’s death was mourned greatly. Without sufficient water in which every mourner could bathe and wash their clothing, the entire social and religious fabric of the society disintegrates. This problem first arises with the death of a beloved and massively mourned Miriam. Suddenly there is no water, and a miracle is needed.

The story of Miriam’s well suggest that her death left a void that stretched beyond the lack of material sustenance. Miriam added a dimension of creative thinking and artistic, active, joyous participation within the Exodus narrative. Miriam’s legacy of leadership is that she modeled for the recently released slaves how to escape their former identity, and to take pleasure in what free people have time, energy, and desire to do – join together in song and dance. By using musical instruments to encourage broader participation, Miriam demonstrated the importance of building consensus.

The Israelites needed a leader who would not do the work for them but who would instead inspire them to do the work themselves.

Though Moses did not regard his leadership role as requiring a close connection to the people – a doubtless source of friction – this is precisely where Miriam excelled. Miriam’s leadership was guided not by stressing her individuality but by forming a network of human relations. It was Miriam who enabled dialogue with the people. Through her unique brand of feminine leadership, Miriam was able bridge the gap between the grumbling masses and their “distant” leader.

In their book, “Multipiers”, Wiseman and McKeown describe multipliers as leaders who do not pretend to have all the answers or stifle the creativity of those with whom they work. Instead, multipliers consistently strive to make everyone around them smarter by unleashing others’ full potential and empowering the broader problem-solving abilities of the entire organization. A multiplier believes that most people in organizations are underutilized and that their capabilities can be leveraged with the right kind of leadership.

As a natural leader such as Miriam doesn’t tell you how to think and what to do but rather connects to your inner self, enables you to better understand your own feelings and empowers you to realize your true potential without being afraid of losing control.

Miriam’s prophecy was one of the deeds. Rather than stirring speeches or administration of justice, Miriam focused on teaching her people how to sing in moments of joy, and she saw to their sustenance during their period of exposure and fragility. Miriam’s example, paralleled by countless women after her, is one of action – deeds of love and support. This parshah offers an opportunity to honor Miriam and her legacy of Jewish leadership. The fact that Jewish women were so deeply and thoroughly absorbed with the Jewish spirit may be ascribed, in no small part, to Miriam, who set for them a shining example as a prophetess.

Many women quietly provide wells of nurturing and support without public attention or commendation. Only when they are no longer able to serve are their services noticed. Why didn’t anyone notice Miriam or her well when she was still alive? Miriam’s death should motivate us to recognize people today who provide nurture and support. Let Miriam’s brief death notice provoke us into raising up for honor Jewish women of all ages and places as they deserve.

The book of Vayikra draws to a close by outlining the blessings that will follow the Israelites if they are faithful to their covenant with God. Then it describes a much longer series of curses, the tochechah, that will befall them if they are not faithful. The general principle is clear. In biblical times, the fate of the nation mirrored the conduct of the nation. If people behaved well, the nation would prosper. If they behavedd badly, eventually bad things would happen.  Our parsha bluntly sets out the terms of that equation:  it takes the form of inducements and intimidations, promises of prosperity, security and peace, and then threats of disease, famine, war, chaos, and exile.  The future of ancient Israel in its homeland will depend entirely on its adherence to the revelation at Sinai. There is a tone of urgency. Free will has its risks; people may choose to put themselves in harm’s way.  The audience for this concluding address is the people as a whole, and not the individual Israelite.  The warnings come directly from God. The images are vivid.  The word keri, key to the whole passage, is repeated seven times. It appears nowhere else in the entire Tanach. Keri seems to be the root cause of the people’s sins and the driving force of God’s retribution.  But its meaning is uncertain. It may mean rebelliousness, obstinacy, indifference, hardheartedness, reluctance or being left to chance. But the basic principle is clear. “If you act toward me with keri, says God, I will turn that same attribute against you, and you will be devastated.”

These curses will occur not only if the people of Israel violate God’s laws but even if they obey them in a spirit that drains them of religious value. If the people of Israel follow the commands without love, in a calculated manner, God says,” I will act towards you coldly.”

This is a remarkable reading and points toward a distinction that we sometimes forget: divine punishment on one hand, and the withdrawal of divine providence the other – what the Torah calls ” the hiding of the face” of God. When God punishes, he punishes the guilty. But when God hides his face, even the innocent may suffer.

Why are the curses in this week’s parsha so much longer and stronger than the blessings? Rabbi Jonathan Sacks says that the answer is that God loves and forgives, but with the proviso that, when we do wrong, we acknowledge the fact, express remorse, make restitution to those we have harmed, and repent. We see that the stick is more a powerful motivator than the carrot. Fear of the curses is more likely to affect behavior than desire for the blessings. Threat of punishment is more effective than promise of reward. Where there is a clear threat of punishment for bad behavior, people behave better.  The reason the curses are so dramatic is not because God seeks to punish but the precisely opposite. The curses were meant as a warning. They were intended to deter, guide, and discourage. They are like a parent warning a child not to play with matches. The parent may deliberately intend to scare the child, but he or she does so out of love, not meanness. Too often we make the wrong choices because we don’t think of the consequences. Judaism is a religion of love and forgiveness.  But it is also a religion of justice. Without punishment, there is no effective law, and without law there is no society. That is why the curses are so powerful, dramatic and fear inducing.  The more powerfully one can present the bad, the more likely people are to choose good.

 It has been a custom to read tochechah in a low voice in the synagogue, which has the symbolic effect of robbing them of their terrifying power if said out loud. But they are fearful enough however they are read. And both here and later in Devarim, the section on curses is longer and far more graphic than the section on blessings. This seems to contradict a basic principle of Judaism, that God’s generosity to those who are faithful Him vastly exceeds His punishment to those who are not. In Leviticus, the curses end with a note of consolation. It says that even in their worst hours, the Jewish people will never be destroyed.  God will not reject them. The covenant will still be in force and its terms still operative. No matter where they are they will still be bound by mutual responsibility and be responsible for one another. They will still be a nation with the shared fate and destiny.

In a book by John Tierney and Roy Baumeister, “The Power of the Bad”, the authors argue based on substantial scientific evidence, that bad has far more impact than honest and good. We pay more attention to bad news than good news. Bad health makes more difference to us than good health. Criticism affects us more than praise. A bad reputation is easier to acquire and harder to lose than a good one.  The Power of the Bad gives some excellent tips on how to become happier by identifying your tendency toward negativity and what psychology and research has to show you about how to beat it. The authors say that if one thing goes wrong, don’t interpret it as a harbinger of inevitable doom whether you are dealing with a personal setback or contemplating the state of the world.

We live in a world where negative things seem to get all the attention whether in our own minds or otherwise. You may have many positive thoughts but for some reason, the bad one takes control of your brain. Why is this? How do we fix it? Negativity is not good but learning about it may help you be happier.

According to researcher Randy Larsen, not only do negative events and experiences imprint more quickly in our brains, but they also linger longer than positive ones. This phenomenon is known as positive – negative asymmetry or the negativity bias. In other words, we’re more likely to remember an insult or negative event than we are to take in a complement or recall details of a happy event. A study was done which participants were asked to imagine either losing $50 or gaining $50.  Even though the amount is the same, the magnitude of the emotional response was significantly larger for those imagining what it would be like to lose the money. In other words, the negativity bias can cause you to dwell on something negative even if something positive is equal. The negativity of losing something is far greater than the goodness of gaining something, even when the something that has been lost or gained objectively equivalent.

Kenneth Yeager, PhD, suggests the following: you need to put effort into truly valuing all the good and positive aspects of life so that you are not overcome by the negative.  Even if you are facing a multitude of objectively negative situations, you should try to appreciate the positive aspects of life, regardless of how small they may be.

Rabbi Sacks says: “Search for meaning and you will discover strength. For everything there is a meaning. It does not always say: this is why such and such happened. Sometimes it says: given that such and such happened, this is what you must do. Once we find the why, even a curse can be turned into a blessing. Without the why even a blessing can become a curse. So, search for the why and the rest will follow: strength, fulfillment, peace.”

This week’s Torah portion, Lech Lecha, is about the lifelong process of figuring out who we are and who we want to be.

In the beginning of the parshah, God speaks for the first time to Abraham.  The parshah begins with Lech lecha,” go for yourself, from your land, from the place where you were born and from your father’s house to the land that I will show you”.  According to the Zohar, the words lech lecha do not just mean” go for yourself,” but simultaneously mean” go to yourself.” This teaches us that to really know ourselves, we must temporarily distance ourselves from the influences of those around us. When Abraham embarks on his road to self-actualization, it requires him, step away from the psychological, cultural, and physical boundaries of his birthplace and forge a new trail ahead. In finding himself, Abraham found what we are all looking for: a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning that is internally motivated.

But new beginnings are hard:  a new school, a new job, the start of parenthood, for some of us, retirement or as with Abraham, the start of a new religion. Before one goes out on a journey, the journey is mysterious. We don’t know what to expect. It can be daunting to leave the familiar and go forward into the unknown. Abraham understood the limitations of the old and the possibilities of the new. Rather than focus on the frightening and unknown, he was able to imagine the possibilities of a new situation and feel invigorated by the challenge.

All of us can remember what it was like when we chose to depart from our parents’ home on our journey toward the future. Often bittersweet, the journey simultaneously causes anxiety and excitement as we start an adventure for a fresh start. It might be traveling to a new location for a job or some other new adventure. It might be a journey of self-discovery or a move toward emotional freedom. Living without your parents will help you become your own person. Getting a healthy distance from your parents gives you space to decide what you believe in. You will have the opportunity to become the mature and fully formed adult you are meant to be. Helen and I hoped to accomplish this when we moved from Chicago to Dallas with our infant daughter, away from our families, for me to start my residency. But while living without your parents comes with new-found freedom, it also comes with new responsibility and a good measure of loneliness. Whether physical, emotional, or intellectual, our journeys call us to leave the comfort of home behind and to venture forth into the unknown.

Part of any mission which any one of us hopes to accomplish is to take a step back, look at oneself, and figure out what each of us needs to do to become the person we need to be to fulfill our purpose in life.

Do you ever find yourself questioning who you are or wondering how you got to the point where you are today? Maybe you achieved some goal or success, but it is no longer satisfying. Do you daydream about doing something completely different? Maybe you’ve been thinking about pursuing a different career, something unrelated to what you do now. Maybe you don’t have any experience in it but believe it would help you find true happiness and success. Or perhaps your life has changed. With different needs and expectations, you may be motivated to forge a new path that will provide new opportunities. 

It’s natural for us to get stuck in a rut now and then. We get used to our routines and habits, which sometimes become boring. But if you find yourself in that rut too often – especially if it’s affecting your self-esteem or making you feel like you’re not living up to your full potential – maybe it’s time to start a process to reinvent yourself.

As I mentioned, there are many possible reasons why it could be time for you to start reinventing yourself. Examples include looking for a career change because you’re bored or feel burned out, going through an existential crisis, needing a change to something in your life, or seeking more fulfillment out of life. But when it comes down to it, you don’t need a reason to justify wanting to change some areas of your life.  At age 60, I changed from direct patient care to becoming the hospital’s medical director of patient safety and quality to improve patient care for all patients.

The first step to reinvention is to figure out exactly what you want for yourself. This means thinking about what makes you happy and what things in your life would bring you closer to happiness. The second step is to determine how realistic these goals are given your current situation.

Reinventing yourself means identifying patterns, values, or activities that no longer serve you and making a conscious effort to change them for better options. It can involve external characteristics, like job, personality, habits, hobbies, appearance, relationships, and location. True reinvention also happens inside, in how you think and behave.

Reinventing yourself takes time and isn’t easy. It requires self-knowledge, honesty, and a willingness to change. But it’s possible, and it’s worth it.  It will help you become more confident and happier with yourself, which will affect all aspects of your life. In addition, reinventing yourself is an extremely exciting process. It allows us to explore new ideas and learn new things about ourselves, both good and bad.

The point is that reinvention doesn’t mean turning 180 degrees and becoming a completely new person – it means understanding yourself as a human being and using all your qualities to achieve something greater than what you are now.

Reinventing yourself takes courage and commitment because it’s a challenging journey of self-discovery that leads you to understand your past successes and failures. In the process, you’ll have to face your fears and figure out how to overcome them.

Reinventing yourself provides you with a platform to build the best version of yourself. In turn, this enables you to lead a healthier, happier life. It allows you to continue exploring new parts of yourself. It helps you realize what you truly value in life. It encourages constant learning. It makes you resilience and agile in an ever-changing world. It builds your sense of purpose. It boosts your positivity and lust for life.

Abraham’s success in his new mission depended on his ability to reinvent himself. Rather than focus on the negative aspects of leaving his home and family, he was able to imagine the invigorating possibilities of a new challenge.

In my reading, I found this quote:  You’ll never see all the awesome things ahead of you if you keep looking at all the bad things behind you. Sometimes you just have to turn around, give a little smile, throw the match and burn the bridge. Live, learn and don’t look back.

We need to stop worrying about what the world wants from us, and start looking within, to our soul, to know what we want for ourselves.

There are probably no Torah parashahs as widely misunderstood as Tazria and Metzorah. Although I had a lot of trouble trying to understand them, some commentators feel this part of the Torah may well be the most relevant, poignant, and emotionally powerful of the entire year. These parshiot are devoted entirely to the subject of ritual purity. They discuss what causes people to become ritually impure, how they can become ritually pure again, and what the effects of impurity are. For many modern readers, this topic is off putting. It seems primitive and far removed from the real concerns of an ethical and monotheistic religion. And yet, to the authors of the Bible, these laws were of paramount importance.

Like me, many readers think Leviticus frowns on ritual impurity, that it regards ritual impurity as objectionable or forbidden. But this is not the case. Many of the causes of ritual purity are perfectly natural – for example, menstruation or sexual emissions. Some are even praiseworthy.  Close proximity to a human corpse causes impurity, and thus burying a dead person renders one impure. But doing so is morally admirable. Leviticus doesn’t forbid family members and neighbors from preparing a loved one’s body for burial, or women from normal bodily functions. Ritual impurity is a normal state that is perfectly permissible in biblical law. Permitted ritual impurity is distinguished by the following features: First, it is contagious, transferred from one person or object to another in a variety of ways, such as physical contact or sharing space within a covered area as noted in the description of the Tzaraat, incorrectly called Leprosy.  Second, impurity contracted from a source of ritual impurity is not permanent and can be reduced and removed by some combination of purification, time, and/or the performance of specified rituals.  Third, ritual impurity can defile holy objects and places and must be kept separate from it.

Ritual impurity is distinguished from moral impurity, or impurity of the soul, which arise from heinous, prohibited acts.

While ritual impurity, itself, is not forbidden, what the Torah does forbid, however, is entering the tabernacle when one is in a state of ritual impurity. Since the Torah considered ritual impurity as contagious, in order to minimize the extent to which someone might unknowingly bring their ritual impurity in the Temple, Leviticus requires people who are ritually impure to cleanse themselves of that impurity owhen they can before entering the Tabernacle.

But one should ask: if there is nothing morally wrong with the ritually impure, and in fact there are situations in which it is morally praiseworthy to become ritually impure why is going to the Temple while impure forbidden?

As mentioned, ritual impurity may not in any way be bad; but it is essentially Un-Godly and signifies the absence of Holiness. And so, one did not walk into God’s home when one was ritually impure. Leviticus insists that rules govern when and how we may come into God’s house. But Leviticus also tells us that this gracious God remains in charge, and thus if we want to come close to God, we have to do so on God’s own mysterious terms.

So, why is something that is morally neutral and sometimes morally positive incompatible with God’s presence, that is, ritually impure?

To answer this question, we need to know something about the nature of biblical monotheism. Surprisingly, the basic idea of monotheism in the Bible is not that there is only one God. It is God’s uniqueness rather than God’s oneness that is the essential content of monotheism.  The God of Israel is qualitatively different from all other deities – and infinitely more powerful. Monotheism, then, is the belief that one supreme being exists, whose will is supreme over all other beings, whether heavenly or earthly. The Bible proclaims that the God of Israel, the creator of the world, is different from all other gods. This God was never born, never has sex, never gives birth, and never dies.

What does all this have to do with the esoteric details in our parashah. Many scholars concur that life/death symbolism is the underlying principle behind the biblical purity system. All situations that bring about ritual impurity relate to the four characteristics of God I just mentioned. Ritual impurity arises from physical substances and states associated with procreation and death, which are not themselves sinful. Childbirth causes ritual impurity.  Sexual activity causes ritual impurity. Proximity to corpse produces the highest-level ritual impurity. The skin disease, tzaraat, causes skin to become scaly white, and thus looks similar to the skin of a corpse. In the mind of the ancient authors, this disease was thought of as a kind of living death on a person’s body. So it, too, brought about ritual impurity.

These laws of tumah or spiritual impurity belong to a category of Commandments in the Torah known as chukkim. These laws are supra-rational, where there is no apparent reason.  To some degree, these serve to test our allegiance to God in observing His commandments even when not dictated by logic.

But even if the human mind can’t understand these divine decrees logically, we can nevertheless try to understand them spiritually and search for their inner meaning and significance.

It is said that first it is necessary to start observing the mitzvot and eventually we will almost certainly come to a better appreciation of their significance and truth. To approach this matter from the opposite direction; that is, to understand first and only then to do, is wrong for two reasons. First, the loss involved not performing mitzvot cannot be retrieved. Secondly, the very observance of the mitzvot, which creates an immediate bond with God, which may help us to better understand and appreciate them.  Let me give you a medical analogy to try and understand. Suppose that a previously unknown virus suddenly appeared and caused many deaths.  Your doctor told you there were new vaccines available to decrease the chance of serious illness and recommended you get vaccinated.   You don’t know anything about theses vaccines.  Would you delay taking the vaccine until you understood how it worked or would you follow your doctor’s advice and take the vaccine and learn more about it later?

For those of us who have trouble understanding Chukim commandments, let me quote the Torah which says: “(the other nations) which shall hear all those statutes (Chukim) will say, “surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people.”

In the end, parashah Metzorah and less about separation from the community, and more about reentry and reintegration. If there is a lesson for us in this parashah, it is to remind us of the need for constant vigilance and for developing an awareness of our discomfort with those who are different, and of the way we marginalize others. Only by our acts in reaching out to the disaffected and disenfranchised among us, can we ensure the survival of the Jewish community.

In parshah Tetzaveh, God commands Moses:” Have Aaron and his sons serve me as priests. Make for them sacred garments using fine linen, gold, blue, purple and scarlet yarns. Make for them a breastplate, an ephod, a robe, a fringed tunic, a headdress, and a sash. These garments must be worn when officiating in my sanctuary.” The next 40 verses devoted to the elaborate description of these “sacred vestments” which the priests and the high priest would wear “for glory and splendor.” This seems to run counter to some fundamental values in Judaism. The vestments were made to be seen. They were intended to impress the eye. But why? The answer is that they represent an aesthetic dimension. Maimonides says that to those who really understand the nature of the religious life, appearances should not matter at all, but the multitude, the masses, the majority are not like that. They are impressed by spectacle, visible grandeur, the glitter of gold, the jewels of the breastplate, the rich pageantry of the scarlet and purple and the pristine purity of white linen robes. But this does not always figure prominently in Judaism. Judaism often seems almost puritanical in its avoidance of grandeur and display as opposed to the great empires Greece and Rome. The great difference between ancient Israel and ancient Greece is that the Greeks believed in the holiness of beauty whereas Judaism believes in the beauty of holiness. Judaism is a religion of the ear more than the eye. It emphasizes hearing rather than seeing. Jewish spirituality is about listening more than looking.

Clearly, the Mishkan and the priests’ sacred vestments were exceptions to this. This is very unexpected. Rabbi Sacks point out that the Hebrew word for “garment”, bigdei, also means to betray. He points out that throughout Genesis, whenever a garment is a key element of the story, it involves some deception or betrayal. There were the coverings of fig leaves Adam and Eve made for themselves after eating the forbidden fruit. Jacob wore Esau’s clothes when he took his blessing by deceit. Joseph’s brothers used his bloodstained cloak to deceive their father into thinking he had been killed by a wild animal. Joseph took advantage of his viceroy’s clothing to conceal his identity from his brothers when they came to Egypt. There are other examples as well. So, it is very unusual that the Torah should concern itself in a positive way with garments and vestments. Clothes have to do with surface, not depth; with the outward, not the inward; with the appearance rather than reality. All the more strange, therefore, that they should form a key element of the service of the priests, given the fact that” people look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

The purpose of the emphasis on the visual elements of the Mishkan and the grand vestments of those who ministered there, was to create an atmosphere of reverence because they pointed to a beauty and splendor beyond themselves, namely God, Himself. The vestments were a constant reminder to them of their sacred duties and responsibilities.

Following the detailed description of the priests’ clothes, the next section of the parshah deals with sacrifices. One might ask why the sections on sacrifices and the priestly vestments are written next to each other. The answer that is suggested is to teach us that just as sacrifices make atonement, so do the priestly vestments make atonement. The tunic atoned for bloodshed, the breeches atoned for lewdness, the turban made atonement for arrogance, the sash atoned for impure meditations of the heart, the breastplate atoned for neglect of civil laws, the Ephod atoned for idolatry, the cloak atoned for slander, the crown atoned for brazenness.

“Clothes make the man,” the old saying goes. Well, clothes certainly seem to impress us human beings. Nothing tells you more about a person or makes a greater first impression than how one is dressed. It is quite remarkable, really. A person’s entire character can be summed up by someone who does not know them simply by how they are dressed. Jobs have been won and lost and relationships continued or ended, all based on the clothes we wear.

But do clothes really make the man or woman? Clothes are an important part of our culture. Clothing reflects how we value ourselves and our bodies. Whether it is the carefully ripped jeans of a teenager or a three-piece suit the lawyer, the way an individual dresses projects an image or makes a statement about that person.

Who doesn’t remember as a young child being made to wear certain clothing we didn’t like? Then, as we got older, fighting at times with our parents over the clothes we loved? As soon as our parents stopped telling us what we could and couldn’t wear, society began doing its job. There was the pressure to” dress for success”, although we were not always sure for whose idea of success we were even dressing.
The clothes people wear today reflect the functions they serve in our communities. For instance, we recognize a police officer instantly by his or her blue uniform, which has come to symbolize law and order, and we associate a white lab coat with the medical profession.

When we perform a special duty or have a particular job, we often dress in a way that reflects this. For example, people wear business attire for job interviews because it is important to show a prospective boss that they know how to dress appropriately for the office. A politician is always impeccably dressed when making a public appearance. Ultimately, however, what is more important than the garment is the person wearing it. Thus, while clothes help a person project a proper image, it is his or her actions that determine whether or not he or she has fulfilled a role appropriately. For example, a person who dresses nicely for a job interview but cannot fulfill the demands of the job will not make a satisfactory employee, and a well-dressed politician with crooked dealings does not fulfill the ideals of public office.

Dressing to impress can influence how others see us, but what’s perhaps less obvious is how it can affect our own sense of self. Some psychologists think that physical objects, like clothes, can be used to change our internal mindset, allowing us to transition more easily into roles that are unfamiliar by first dressing the part.

When people look good, they feel good. A certain uniform or costume identifies a person’s role. But who a person is underneath the clothing is even more important than how he or she looks.
In summary, it would seem that dressing for success has potential benefits beyond how others see you. It may also help you see yourself in that new role you are working toward, and subconsciously help you to act, and not just look, the part. Be careful, though, since wearing the uniform cannot compensate for lack of ability. Be honest with yourself if you are compensating and think about upgrading your skill set before you upgrade your wardrobe.

In this week’s parshah, God tells Moses that he wants him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, from slavery to freedom. Moses answered God’s call.  But whether out of apprehension or humility, he quickly added several excuses for not immediately doing what God asked. First, he says: “I am not good enough.”  He points out that a slave people aren’t likely to believe the reports of a wandering shepherd regarding their redemption, and Pharaoh is even less likely to listen to radical suggestions made in the name of an unknown God. Moses also protests that he is not a fluid speaker. It is not clear whether this means that he had a physical speech defect or was self-conscious and inarticulate.  It is unclear as to whether the impediment is a physiological or emotional problem. The literal translation of Moses’ complaint is that he has” uncircumcised lips,” which doesn’t help us at all. The Torah does not identify the nature or origins of Moses’ difficulty. Rashi postulates that Moses had an actual speech impediment – perhaps a stutter or a severe lisp. However, Moses’ impediment is wholly self-described. We learn of it is from his own protests at having been chosen as Israel’s liberator. The absence of corroboration of this narrative implies that Moses’ impediment loomed larger in his own mind than as a handicap perceptible to others.  God did not accept this excuse. Moses’ next excuse is: “I don’t have all the answers.”   But God’s directive wasn’t about Moses-it was about God.  God was asking him to be His voice. Another excuse was: “I am not qualified.”  Moses’ final statement is more desperate.” Please, anyone but me!”  God responds to this with righteous anger. The excuses stop and God calls upon Aaron to serve alongside his brother. Aaron was a man with the abilities Moses felt he lacked.  Aaron’s role as mediator was critical to the success of Moses’ leadership. Moses needed to reach beyond his own personal experience.  As we can see, Moses was full of self-doubt, but God trusted him anyway.

We have all been there. At some points in our lives, we question whether we are doing well enough or are capable of facing all the uncertainties that might come up as we grow older. We experience feelings of self-doubt around decisions and choices we made or simply feel that we’re not good enough. Did I study enough?  Will I get into medical school?  Will this D’var be good enough?  Self-doubt occurs when we lack confidence or feel incapable of doing things we need to do. A certain level of self-doubt is good because it indicates that you understand what you need to improve in order to do a better job. However, persistent fear and self-doubt can affect your life in a bad way.

Five common causes of self-doubt include:

1. Past experience and mistakes. Past experience can make us question our beliefs. However, continuing to reference past experiences without learning from them is just a waste of time.
2. Childhood upbringing. If you were raised by parents or teachers who constantly told that you were not good enough, you might have already internalized the habit of questioning yourself.
3. Comparisons with others. When you’re comparing too much with others about what they have or what you lack, you’ll start to lose yourself.
4. New challenges. This is a pretty normal case because we have no experience on how to react or what things we need to do. The feeling of uncertainty and insecurity will make you feel uncomfortable.
5. Fear of failure/fear success.

There are three clues that self-doubt and the fear of getting things wrong could be undermining your ability to turn thoughts into action: You’re constantly apologizing, you second guess yourself, and you would rather be in the background.

Self-doubt can leave you with anxiety, depression, procrastination or lack of motivation, emotional instability, low self-esteem, or difficulty making decisions.

Theodora Goss, in an article about self-doubt, wrote the following:  We usually think of self-doubt as a problem, almost as a disease. Despite previous successes we still have self-doubt. Self-doubt is not something anyone else can fight. It is your own personal monster. You have to fight it yourself. But there are also some good things about self-doubt. It sounds counter-intuitive, but it can be argued that self-doubt can be a source of strength. It can be what makes you stronger and better.  Here’s how:

1. Self-doubt can make you work harder. I know, this is not always true: self-doubt can lead to giving up. But doubting our own talents and abilities can drive us to work harder to get what we want. Study harder for the exam. Prepare harder for the class. Practice more.
2. Self-doubt means you judge yourself more harshly, which can be a bad thing. As mentioned, it can lead to despair and depression. But it can also make you hold yourself to a high standard.
3. Self-doubt gives you a sense of humility. A student who doubts his or her own abilities will listen to you, will learn what you have to teach. So, if you have self-doubt, you tend to be a good student.

What can we do to overcome self-doubt?

1. Practice self-compassion
2. Remember your past achievements
3. Try not to compare yourself to others
4. Be mindful of your thinking.

If negative thoughts persist, take a moment and ask yourself if you really believe that they are true. Consider how positive thinking may shift your mindset and allow you to be more confidence in your abilities.

1. Spend time with supportive people. They can remind you how talented and resilient you are during times when you’re not feeling that way about yourself
2. Find validation from within
3. Identify your values
4. Remember you are your harshest critic
5. Seek professional help, if necessary

To summarize, everyone has self-doubt. It is what we do with it that is important.  Self-doubt is easily one of the quickest things we allow to steal our joy. We all carry around this voice of self-doubt. Self-doubt goes away the more we trust ourselves. At the end of the day, self-doubt was here to teach us something, to learn and grow, and to get better.

It is reassuring to think that God chose not the strongest or the fastest or the smartest or the most beautiful but called upon a person who was ” slow of mouth and slow of tongue.” Yet, this is exactly what is discomforting about these verses: they stripped from us all our excuses, all our rationales for procrastination, all our lack of self-confidence masquerading as humility. By appointing Moses, the man of” uncircumcised lips,” as a prophet, a man completely dependent on words, God is telling the rest of us:  you must get on with your mission in life, despite your limitations, despite your self-doubts, despite all the problems that seem to be in the way. It is much easier to shrug off the task as beyond our capacities or to wish fervently, as Moses did, that God would appoint someone else in our place. Each of us must consider seriously and apply to ourselves Rabbi Tarfon’s famous challenge:  “You are not obliged to finish the task, but neither are you free to neglect it.”

The story of Jacob and Esau represents an important lesson about reconciliation. As you will recall, their animosity for each other began because Jacob stole Esau’s birthright and his father’s blessing.  After this, Jacob ends up running away from home so that Esau would not kill him. Twenty years later, God tells Jacob to return to his homeland. He learned that Esau lived in the region of Seir. Jacob still felt threatened by his brother, so he decided to send out scouts to assess the reunion. Jacob’s scouts came back and said that Esau was coming to meet Jacob with 400 men– a contingent so large it suggested to Jacob that Esau was intent on violence.  As a result, Jacob develops his own defense strategy.  Jacob makes three forms of preparation for his meeting with Esau: He sent Esau a huge gift of cattle and flocks, hoping thereby to appease him. He prayed to God, saying, ” Rescue me, I pray, from the hand of my brother.” And he made preparation for a possible war by dividing his household into two camps so that one at least would survive if he were attacked.

But there was no confrontation.  The brothers embraced each other.  After years of contention, Jacob and Esau seem to have reconciled. However, that relationship is somewhat awkward, and they will never be the closest brothers. Still, for the first time each can accept the other as he is; each can see the other’s wealth without coveting it.  What has changed? How can two people who tricked and threatened to kill each other embrace? During their boyhood, Esau and Jacob were in fierce competition. Each was loved by one parent but felt the other was the favored child. Each wanted what the other had. They were children competing for their parent’s attention and gifts. Each was too needy to acknowledge the other’s needs.  When they are reunited, Esau and Jacob have overcome their jealousy. Each of the brothers is now able to recognize how much he has. Each is secure in himself; they have no need to envy each other.

Regardless of the interpretation we ascribe to this reconciliation, however, the brothers do not live together happily ever after. When the brothers meet, Jacob was surprised that Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, but Jacob realizes that the day has not yet come in which the sons of Isaac can live together in harmony. Almost immediately after their reunion, they separate again – Esau goes to Seir and Jacob heads to Sukkot.

I read an article about what is termed the conflict spiral: first, we experience turmoil in our hearts because we don’t get what we want. Next, individuals are harmed because we take it out on others. Then families are affected because they are closest to us. Next, social circles are impacted because we live social lives.

What we see in the life of Jacob and Esau is a microcosm of all sorts of conflict that spiraled out of control. When we read their story, we might see some of ourselves or people we know in the narrative.

There are Jewish families whose members are in exile, families whose members do not speak with each other. There are parents who do not speak to their children and children who do not speak to their parents. There are siblings who do not speak to each other. There are longtime friends who are estranged from each other.  When someone asks what origin of the anger was, it may be discovered that no one remembers what caused the impasse. No one knows how it began, but the deadlock continues without end. Who is right? Who is wrong?

Relationships, whether platonic, familial, or romantic, can be challenging. People often get hurt, and it takes time and effort to rebuild. If both people are committed, reconciliation is possible. You can go through this process and maintain your dignity if you approach it in the right way.

How do we begin the reconciliation process?  First, reconciliation requires faith and trust in oneself.  Also, each person must fully believe that they are ready to meet with the other person. If there is an absence of this faith and trust, the meeting will be unsuccessful and possibly result in more harm. Reconciliation with others will likely be difficult emotionally, mentally, or even physically. However, despite these difficulties, the process of reconciliation can result in great reward once it is accomplished; that reward being a sense of inner peace when the person who has been wronged is able to forgive the wrongdoer.

To prepare to reconcile, recognize that it is different than forgiveness. People often confuse forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is something that requires one person, but reconciliation requires two people. If someone is unwilling to reconcile, you cannot do it alone. First, set realistic expectations. Because reconciliation is a process, do not expect things to go back to normal after one conversation. Focus on small victories along the way. Second, set aside your ego. Reconciliation requires honesty. Whether you were the offender or the offended, prepare to hear things about yourself that you may not like. Be willing to admit that you were wrong, that you were hurt, and to see things from the other person’s perspective. Third, evaluate the broken relationship. Imagine how the other person feels.

Seize the sanctity of this moment. Break the impasse. Break down the anger. Breakthrough the stubbornness. Overcome the ugliness of past history. Open your heart, open your mouth. Initiate the first call. Breakdown the wall of silence.

Do not get discouraged if things do not go as you plan. The amount of time it takes to reconcile will depend on the specific circumstances of the relationship and the personal traits and the people involved. Every relationship will be different.

Remember, to forgive is not to forget.  To forgive is to be liberated from the inner anger, from the quest for vengeance that consumes your life and embitters the life of your family and friends. No one expects you to forget. No one believes that forgiveness eliminates the memory of the pain and anguish of the injury. Forgiving does not reverse the past, but it promises a new and different outcome. When you forgive, when you seek reconciliation, things may never be as they were before the injury. But you can establish a new relationship, a speaking civil relationship.

So, let me ask you: how are you doing in your heart? With whom do you need to be reconciled? Who have you injured? Does anyone have a grievance against you? What reconciliation with people do you need today?

Perhaps there is a more powerful lesson to the learned from the surprise outcome of this story.  The message for all of us is that we must not let our past determine our future. We must not assume we know how things will work out. We must take control, and truly believe that God has entrusted us with freedom of choice. We may not always succeed, but we must not allow past failures to determine our future. Sometimes, despite all the evidence to the contrary, things work out. Just ask Jacob.